After spending the last twenty-one years working with children as an elementary school teacher, a middle school teacher, a therapist, and a parent, I have come up with hundreds of valuable parenting tips that I have learned throughout the years. Today, I would like to share five important lessons with you. As always, I remind myself of healthy practices, as I remind you. It is sometimes amazing how often we forget what we already know. Please read, your child will thank you.
- Create a United Front: Children need to know that their parents are on the same team. Children will often try to recruit one parent to their team making the other parent their opponent. This creates triangulation. Triangulation is the act of playing two people against each other. This is common in dysfunctional family systems and should be avoided. Children are very smart. By playing one parent against the other, the child removes him or herself from the hot seat while tensions build between parents. Don’t fall for it. In the long run, your child and your relationship will suffer.
- Seek Emotional Support From Adults, Not Your Child: Going to your child for emotional support is detrimental to their health. It is a parent’s job to meet the emotional needs of the child, not the other way around. Sharing your difficulties and problems with your child makes them insecure and anxious. They need to feel safe without worrying about your emotional well-being. It is your job to be there for them. This is not a reciprocal relationship, and it is not a friendship. Your child needs a parent. You can be their friend after they are grown. Take your problems to another trusted adult. Your child is not your parent.
- Give Your Child Roots and Wings: By loving, nurturing, and believing in your child, you give them roots that will last a lifetime. By teaching them responsibility, commitment, and accountability, you give them wings so that they will be able to one day become independent adults. You can not expect a child that has never learned responsibility, commitment, and accountability to magically become an independent adult at the age of twenty-one. It doesn’t work that way. These skills are taught continuously in age appropriate segments as a child grows. If your ten-year-old is allowed to quit every activity that he starts, will it surprise you when he can’t hold down a job at twenty-five? If your daughter is allowed to disrespect you at age five, what do you think you are going to get when she is fifteen? Remember, continuous age appropriate segments.
- Choose Your Battles: Children do need some room to decide things for themselves. You decide what really matters and let other things go. Your first grader is honest, kind, and gets good grades, but wants to wear his purple plaid shorts with his orange and black stripped shirt to school. You decide the outfit is not a battle you choose to fight. It may be helpful to give your child several different choices; all being choices that you like. This is usually a win/win strategy. Your child feels empowered and you approve of the choice. Here is how author, Dr. Richard Carlson, puts it. “Once we allow ourselves to get all worked up about things that, upon closer examination, aren’t really that big a deal, we focus on little problems and concerns and blow them way out of proportion. ” A helpful strategy may be to ask yourself if there will be long-term repercussions to your decision. If not, it may not be worth the battle.
- Effective Co-Parenting: You and your partner separate. What now? Keep the focus on the child’s well-being. Put your own anger, resentment, and bitterness aside for the good of your child. Your child loves both of you. By speaking negatively about the other parent in front of your child, you are hurting your child. Think about it. Do you want someone else to belittle and demean your loved ones? Neither does your child. By trash talking the other parent, you are putting your feelings above the feelings of your child. Take your frustrations to your friends or your therapist and leave your child out of it.
If there is anything that we wish to change in the child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves.-C.G. Jung
If you have some parenting tips that you would like to share, please share! Many children will thank you.
I would have to offer up a big “shout out” for Boundaries and Setting Limits. When I was a child (decades ago…ugh) parents spanked their children, schools paddled children, and many times, the father was feared as the patriarch. Kids assumed a role of respecting their elders (at least in their presence) and an understanding of their place in social situations and community. I neither condone spanking nor do I subscribe to fearing a parent, but the children of today truly lack any discipline whatsoever. It seems that when the militant parenting groups campaigned against harsh discipline, the message translation became muddied and the interpretation became “don’t discipline or really parent at all.” Children are precious….true….but they desperately need limits and guidelines. Their inexperience and immaturity do not support them venturing into the world without guidance. The kids that I observe with my children (from high school through elementary) lack self discipline. The younger set does not manage their physical actions and the older set abuse their verbal actions (as evidenced by cyber bullying). I believe kids today have a larger sense of self than is really evident. My generation was humbled through discipline. Today, I see very little humility and truly a lack of direction in morals, leadership, and sense of community. We are cultivating an egocentric generation of overindulgence. (how many kids do you know without a cell phone, ipod or Xbox?). We tie the hands of our educators and prevent them from setting limits and as parents, we rely heavily on preserving a friendly relationship with our kids. Watch any current cartoon or kids sitcom and you will observe absentee parents and kids that circumvent parental authority. Successful ratings show that kids promote such notions and the perceptions continue to be fostered with each movie and tv program. Who will turn this trend?
Thank you so much for taking the time to share your important insights. I hope others will read your comments as well.
This is one of the most sensible posts on parenting that I have read in a long-long time. I am now a grandmother, but each one of your tips is so true and right on the money.
Super, dooper, dooper!!!
Thank you for your positive comment! Have a great day.
I agree wholeheartedly with giving children wings and roots as well as choosing battles. When I left home I knew how to take care of myself and had many hopes and dreams. My mother made sure I left the house with common sense and the ability to do my own laundry. She was neither super strict nor absent, but had a good middle ground. She jokes about benignly neglecting us, but she taught me a lot. I can’t imagine a better mom.
She knew which battles to fight even if I didn’t. I would argue with her about everything until I finally realized she wasn’t always going to take the bait. One thing that drives me crazy other than abusing children is total control. Some parents cannot let anything go. Yes it’s annoying when your kid is not listening, but do you have to take it so far as to yell or call them on being irresponsible every time? Absolutely not. Let some stuff go once in a while. Most parents are doing a good job and their kids are not going to grow up into terrorists if they forget to do their homework or disobey you. It’s how they learn what works and what doesn’t. When I grew up and left home I didn’t know everything, but I know how to figure stuff out on my own. My mom showed me that with her actions.
Thank you so much for following my blog and sharing about your positive experience growing up. It sounds like you were given roots and wings!
Indeed. I have crashed landed on those wings a few times and pulled my roots out so to speak, but I think overall I was quite blessed to have my upbringing. It was very unique.
I am glad I am able to read this post, I am a mother to my nephew coz he was living with me and I absolutely agree with you and thank you also for sharing this post with us…
Thank you for your kind comments. I am glad it was helpful.