Written by Kristin Barton Cuthriell, M.Ed, MSW, LCSW
Live with integrity: Make sure your behaviors match your values. Recently I wrote a post, Every Behavior Has a Consequence, and in that post I said the following: When you choose to lie, you choose to be doubted. Do you want to be doubted?
Think about that for a moment. No one wants to be doubted, but how many people are always truthful? Some, yes. All, no.
We all make mistakes; it is part of being human. But when we do, how do we handle it? Do we handle it will integrity? Do we handle it with courage? Do we admit it? Do we apologize? What do we do?
Recently I found this short story written by Debbie Friedman. In this story, Debbie shares an important lesson that she taught her thirteen-year-old son. We can all learn something from this story. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. Thank you, Debbie.
The Locker Lesson
My 13-year old son had started at one of the most prestigious private schools in the nation – an honor that we were paying $20,000 a year for and at a school that had 100 applications for each spot! When he came home the second month with a horrified look on his face, telling me that he’d done something awful, I was more than a little concerned. He explained that, as a prank, he had given a boy’s locker combination to someone else. That person had opened the locker, and trashed all the books and belongings inside. He didn’t know what to do, so he asked for my advice.
Here’s what I guided him to do: He called the boy whose locker was trashed, told him that he was responsible, and that he would do whatever it took to make things right. He called the boy’s parents, told them he was sorry and would do whatever it took to make things right. Even though the mother was yelling at him and calling him names, I stood by his side, and he continued to apologize. The next morning, he went to the Dean’s office before his first class, told the Dean what he had done, and said he would do whatever it took to make things right.
This was one of the most terrifying moments of my son’s life up until that time. I can remember the look of horror on his face as the mother cursed him and called him names. I also remember that he was able to stand up tall, with dignity and with self-esteem, as he went to school the next morning to talk with the Dean. He felt good about himself, not because he had made a mistake (as everyone is going to do in life!), but because he had the courage to stand up and admit it. He had the integrity to take responsibility for his actions and the inner strength to do whatever it took to make things right.
Now, you may be wondering what happened in all of this. My son had to pay for a new lock for the boy’s locker. The Dean called me to tell me he had never in his entire career seen a student carry himself with such dignity and such integrity. He was truly impressed and thanked me for the guidance I’d given him, and for raising such an incredible son with clear values.
The boy whose locker had been trashed barely talked to my son for four years. And yet, when they were graduating from high school and went to their elementary school reunion, it was as if nothing had ever happened. Yes, it took some time for the wounds to heal, but in the end everything turned out fine.
What happened to the boy who actually opened the locker and trashed it? He refused to apologize and his parents refused to make him apologize. He was put on detention for weeks and was asked to leave the school at the end of the year.
We all make mistakes, some of them are big ones, some of them are small. My son made a mistake, and in the process got to learn a very valuable lesson.
Honesty is always the best policy. Taking responsibility for what you say and do is essential if you want to feel good about yourself. It’s important to be willing to go to any length to make things right when you breach your integrity. It may not be easy. It may feel crummy and uncomfortable. You may get yelled at. In the end, though, you’ll be able to walk with your head held high, you will be able to go to sleep in peace at night, and you will be respected.
Most important, you will respect yourself. That may be the greatest gift of all.
Author Bio Debbie Friedman, M.S., C.Ht., is the Manifesting Maven who helps people consciously create the life they love to live. She is the creator of the popular Cleaning Out the Closet of Your Mind for Wealth series. www.CleaningOutTheCloset.com
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I enjoyed reading this post, as well as the story you quoted. Being honest is one of the most-repeated admonitions in Scripture, for many reasons. I think you captured several of those reasons in this post.
I agree. Thank you for commenting.
Yes it is a tough one, but we always told our kids,”Don’t do the crime, if you can’t do the time!” (Yes it came from Baretta). It didn’t always work to keep them on the straight and narrow, but now that they are parents, they are repeating the quote. Thanks for sharing!
My children know the same quote. Thank you for your comments.
I like that part when you said, “When you choose to lie, you choose to be doubted. Do you want to be doubted?”
To be honest requires a lot of courage. And it takes courage to admit one’s wrongs. The boy experienced terrifying moment when he was reprimanded. But that is better than being rewarded by “superficial peace” from hiding the truth. I admire the boy, and his mother’s strong values! We need people like that. Specially those people who are in the leadership positions.
Honesty has always been the best policy, it is, and it will always be.
I have one favorite saying about honesty. It goes like this:
“It is better to suffer for the truth than to be rewarded for a lie.”
Thank you Kristin for your inspiring article!
God bless you!
Arnold
It does take courage! I agree with your comments. Thank you for your kind words.
This is an important post, just last night myself and my other half were discussing something very similar. She’s having trouble dealing with the politics at the large blue chip corporation she is a senior manager at. She hates the idea of being deceitful with her colleagues but her superiors seem to encourage it. I advised her to be honest, open and truthful but discreet. Anything else would compromise who she is. If need be she should find a different company with a better culture. The point is, most of us have shame and guilt for not being honest, open or truthful in our past and it stays with us like a cloud for a long time – sometimes forever. The weight of that cloud gets lighter but it can be dispelled with a momentary storm of honesty. Good luck everyone with that. 🙂
Stuart, I have been in a similar situation myself. It is not fun. In the end, she will be true to herself. Thank you for commenting.
I agree that we need to learn to take responsibility for our actions. As a society, we are way to inclined to offload the blame onto others. However, sometimes, honesty is a matter of perspective. Anyone who has had to answer the question, “Do these jeans make me look fat?” knows that honesty can be framed in a compassionate way.
You bring up a good point. We need to teach children to be honest without being cruel. This is often a fine line that comes easy for some and not so easy for others. I guess the line often involves intention. Are you trying to be the best that you can be, are you doing what you know to be the right thing, or are you trying to harm? I hope that others will comment so that we get other perspectives. Thank you for commenting.
We can’t grow if we don’t learn the hard lessons. Parenting is so much about teaching… and learning! Great post.
Vince, I agree. Thank you for reading. I always enjoy your comments.
Love this 🙂
I am glad that you liked it. Thank you.
Encouraging message and touching story….thank you Kristin…
Celeste
Celeste,
Thank you for your kind words!
Good words. I have seen that with honesty comes the absence of, or at least a reduction in, stress. One lie begets another; maintaining a ‘web of lies’ is stressful. Life is better without that kind of stress…
What a wonderful life story and lesson. Too bad the boy who’s locker was trashed was slow to forgive (his mother cursing … that’s too bad too). I’ve only looked at cooking blogs since I started blogging here. This is the first non-cooking blog that caught my attention. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for reading and commenting. I look forward to trying more of your recipes.