Written by Kristin Barton Cuthriell, M.Ed., MSW, LCSW
Several years ago, I attended a marriage workshop along with my husband. This was not the first one that I had ever attended, nor will it be the last. These workshops not only provide me information and tools that help me better my own marriage, but they also benefit those who come to me for counseling.
This particular workshop focused on expectations within the marriage. To better illustrate how certain expectations can cause marital problems, we were shown a fictional video. Although fictional, it brought important points to light.
Picture this. Two individuals, newly engaged, filled with the promise of what marriage would bring. Oh, the expectations! It was all so exciting.
She had dreamed of her wedding day since she was a small child; the flowers, the dress, the big party, and the endless romance that would follow. From the moment he had put the ring on her finger, her happily ever after had come true. She knew that he was not much of a romantic, but that would change. She had let him know how important romance was to her, and he would make every effort to meet her expectations. She knew that he was a work in progress and that he would eventually change.
She fantasized about the white table-cloth, the bottle of champagne, and the tender way that he would look at her as he fed her strawberries. She dreamed of the rose petals that were sprinkled on their bed as he surprised her on their first anniversary.
Yes, her happily ever after had just begun.
He loved her, but had been reluctant to commit to marriage. Would she try to change him? Forever is a really long time. But eventually he decided that she was the one, and he was thrilled with his decision.
She was not alone in her fantasies. He envisioned Sundays with the guys watching the football game; she would enter the room with a smile on her face and offer cold drinks and chips. Before leaving the room, she would ask, “Is there anything else that I can get for you guys?” Yes, she could hang with the guys better than any girl he had ever met. This arrangement would turn out just perfect.
Yes, his happily ever after had just begun.
Fast Forward Two Years
Their two month old baby would not stop crying. The pediatrician had called it colic; they called it insanity. She had yet to see the rose petals sprinkled on the bed. Now the only thing sprinkled on the bed was the spit up from sweet crying Junior. Instead of serving refreshments to the guys, she was pushing the guys out of the house so that she could attempt to get crying Junior to rest.
There were bills to be paid, house repairs that needed tending to, diapers to change, and a life full of compromises. They found themselves asking, What has gone wrong with our marriage? Where has happily ever after gone?
This was the video that was shown to us at the workshop. Many parts were exaggerated, and it was really quite humorous; but the point was clear. The problem was not necessarily the marriage. The problem resided in the expectations. Once the couple learned to adjust their expectations and their view of happily ever after, they were able to really appreciate each other and support each other through the challenges of life.
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Most of my family – myself included – have been engaged and married more than once. This time two weeks ago, I was getting my hair done and laughing and joking with my hairdresser and my bridesmaid, prior to the actual ceremony at 4pm.
I truly believe that I took on my first two husbands through pity – I’m very tender-hearted and a sucker for a sob story. I was the one who ended both marriages.
It’s very different this time; I’ve been with my new husband for almost five years and we both know what we want from our relationship. Over time he has taught me that Valentine’s Day isn’t any more special than any other day – and why have a dozen dead things shoved in a vase when I can have living roses in my flower borders? To us romance is an everyday thing, be it cuddling or calling each other teasing but affectionate names.
He accepts and accommodates my need to return to my hometown every few months to see my profoundly autistic son. We both have friends there too, and it’s nice to catch up with them at the same time.
Rose petals strewn across the bed would have me sneezing, coughing and reaching for my inhaler!
I think that far too many couples enter marriage thinking that it will suddenly change their relationship into something fairytale-like and out of this world; I believe that marriage can only enhance what is already there, and the magic cannot simply be conjured up by a pretty dress and a gold ring.
This is so well said! Thank you for sharing your important insights and experiences. Marriage can be a wonderful thing if viewed realistically.
Yes, it really can.
If anybody were to ask me what stood out most in my memory from the ceremony, I would tell them that it was just after we signed the register; D looked me in the eyes, stroked my cheekbone, smiled and said “You Dollophead” – a quote from the show Merlin, which we both enjoy 🙂
To us, being married doesn’t feel any different to being engaged. We just have a piece of paper confirming what we always knew – that we belong together 🙂
Well said! I love that your husband makes you feel like everyday feel like valentine’s day! It’s really the little thing that counts. 🙂
Reblogged this on Todd's Perspective and commented:
Amen! For me, it’s more about managing my expectations than the relationship itself…
Thank you, Todd. I could not agree more.
Marriage should never be about expectations, but about the NOW and HOW of a couple: how they relate to each other; how they make each other better individually, besides as a couple; how they recover after a fight; and how they are there for each other, through the good and the bad. Thanks for your comments!
I agree!
Your fictions story is so familiar to most young couples The first years of marriage are often the hardest because of unrealistic expectations. A.T.
Very true!
I had great expectations of my marriage and they have been fulfilled. I was told to dream about your marriage not your wedding and I think that is good advice. I like the idea of a marriage workshop, more people should do that on a regular basis, would certainly get you thinking about things…
I thought it was interesting how women (it’s usually the women) want to change their men. Good luck with that. I suppose we all change in small ways to try to please, but major changes are just not going to happen, and it’s the unfulfilled expectation of change in our spouse that brings the inevitable disappointment to both partners.
Yes. Going into it wanting the other to change, usually leads to disappointment.
Thank you for sharing this! My husband and I are coming up on our 2 year anniversary and have had to learn a lot of this already. I’m sure there’s much more learning and compromise to come!
I agree, completely. I was married for about 5 years and it’s true… I found in my experience, I married the idea rather than the reality and when he couldn’t possibly live up to my fantasy, I became terribly disappointed and began thinking there was something wrong with me and began trying to change myself to make him happy…. but we all know, that’s not the right direction to go…. I really appreciate this post, as I’ve chosen to be completely single for the last 5 years… part of it is a really healthy choice, as I really want to know myself and develop that relationship first, so that I may show up as a whole person in any future relationship (after having tasted the bitter agony of not knowing myself in a key relationship, I shudder at intimacy from any other place than wholeness) and the other part is that I’m scared out of my mind….. and have had to learn to forgive myself for the mistakes I made in my marriage as a very very young person and learn to trust myself. Anyway, this really tugged at my heart strings and it reminded me of an intro I wrote for a twenty something page paper I wrote some years ago in college about whether or no happy marriages can exist…. if you are interested, the link for that intro is: http://currierose.wordpress.com/2010/06/15/%e2%80%9ca-good-marriage-is-one-which-allows-for-change-and-growth-in-the-individuals-and-in-the-way-they-express-their-love-%e2%80%9d-%e2%80%93-pearl-s-buck/
Thanks for this… so glad I chose to play catch up with my blog reading today. 🙂
Have a wonderful day,
Currie