Do you allow your children to tell you how they are feeling, even if you do not like what they have to say?
or
Do you become angry when you hear them express feelings that are unacceptable to you?
Your child is going to feel the way that they feel whether they tell you or not. By providing a safe environment for them to express their feelings, you are teaching them the art of healthy communication which will reduce the risk of acting out emotions in destructive ways.
“Children have an inherent right to acknowledge and express feelings, including angry feelings, just as we do. This does not mean that they have the right to disrupt or harm others or damage property. Certain behaviors, including hitting, kicking, biting, and shoving, should not be tolerated, and should result in disciplinary action, such as time out. Young children especially need our help learning to express their feelings in words rather than putting them into action. As parents, we need to accept and respect our children’s feelings of frustration, while maintaining rules and limits of behavior. Finding a consistent balance can be a challenge.” – Dorothy Law Nolte and Rachel Harris, Authors of Children Learn What They Live: Parenting to Inspire Values
4 tips for parents
- Encourage open communication. Allow your children to express their feelings in a respectful way.
- Validate their feelings. Let them know that their feelings are important even if you disagree.
- Create a safe environment: Listen without becoming angry or judgmental. Nothing will shut your child up faster than your anger. Remember, their unexpressed feelings will then come out in destructive ways.
- Be consistent. Your child pays attention to your actions more than your words. If your child hits, kicks, or shoves another child and you discipline your child by hitting, kicking, or shoving him or her, you are sending a confusing message. When you yell, “WE DO NOT HIT!” as you hit your child, your message is not clear. Your actions need to match your words.
So true!! I remember getting in trouble for things I was feeling, and it made me stop being honest and just telling my parents/teachers what they wanted to hear. Why would you want that for your kids??
When a parent gets angry and tells a child that they should not feel the way that they feel, the parent usually doesn’t realize that they are harming a child. The parent usually just wishes the child did not feel the way that they do. The way a child is feeling may feel threatening to a parent and the parent thinks that ‘shutting the child up’ will change their feelings. However, feelings aren’t changed and communication is shut down. Thank you so much for adding your thoughts to my post.
I think it would be great if they had parenting classes in high school, not only for pregnant mothers, but for all students. Hopefully that would help them later on.
Wordsfromanneli that is a wonderful suggestion! When I was a child and dealing with my emotionally and physically abusive parents I remember that same thought sticking with me till this day.
Anneli has made a wonderful suggestion. Children are taught many things- being a parent is usually not one of them. Education is key.
I agree, Anneli. Great idea. Too often, people grow up in dysfunction and do not know what healthy is.
These are great tips! When we level with children it is like holding a hand out to pull them up. Their sense of self worth is raised as well, knowing that they, and their feelings, are worthy of respect from adults. This leads them to build their own standards based on the respect that they receive. I see many parents who constantly yell and shun their kids everyday. Those kids remain in the “acting out” phase until they finally get the respect they needed.
Thank you so much for sharing these valuable insights. Very well said.
I pray each day that I give my child the strength to be himself, that I am a safe place to come with feelings, and that I am humble enough to learn from him, as he learns from me. Gotta admit that most days, I feel like I am winging it.
Being a safe place for your child is so important!
Point 2 is my favorite. We should all be bale to listen to children(and anyone we meet) without getting mad. After all , we each have our own view of the world. It is ridiculous to expect a child to see the things the way an adult does. Most of the world is new to them and they haven’t learned what we have. Thank you for such a great post.
You are correct. They have not learned what we have. Too often parents are threatened by an opinion that differs from their opinion. The key is teaching children to express their opinions in a very respectful way. Thank you for your comments.
You’re welcome.