Our children need us to be their rock. They need to be able to borrow our calm. When our child gets spun up in an emotional hurricane, it is counterproductive to get into the hurricane with them. The two of us in a cyclone equals disaster with no resolution. When we do this we are actually telling our children that yelling and screaming and throwing a fit is okay, regardless of what we say.
We no longer present ourselves as emotionally mature adults. Quite the contrary. Our emotional maturity now matches the emotional maturity of our child- the child that is yelling and screaming and carrying on in a wild way.
Positive discipline is scream free discipline. Rules are established. Children know the consequences for breaking those rules. Children also know that they have a choice- follow the rules or lose a privilege. This can all be done without screaming and yelling.
When your child is feeling out of control, they need to know that someone is okay. And that someone is you. They need to feel secure knowing that you are stable while their world feels rocked. They need grounding. They need a calm presence in the middle of their chaos. By getting calmer as they get louder, you are modeling appropriate behavior. And modeling usually is the best teacher.
I think when we find ourselves screaming and shouting we are BEING that small child within. Depending on our own upbringing, how our parents dealt with frustration etc. will be part of our programming. How then to undo that negative programming?? 🙂
I write a lot about this in the book that I am currently working on. Reprogramming, pausing before reacting, and the power of self-compassion…. By the way, I just got your book in the mail. I can’t wait to read it!
Hey great. Hope you enjoy – remember One page per day, no rushing ahead now! 🙂
🙂
I think this works just as well for the teenage years too. Of course in a different aspect. 😉
Yes, works great with teens and other adults too. 🙂 We don’t need to enter into anyone else’s emotional hurricane.
Very true! 😀
Indeed, us parents need to respond thoughtfully to our children’s behavior instead of reacting recklessly. It may be impossible to be in control of ourselves all the time, but we need to make a conscious effort to get our thinking out in front of our emotions so we could perform our duties as parents better.
I agree. Sometimes we just need to get our emotions out of the driver’s seat! Thank you so much for adding your thoughts to my post. Have a great weekend.
Indeed, us parents need to respond thoughtfully to our children’s behavior instead of reacting recklessly. It may be impossible to be in control of ourselves all the time, but we need to make a conscious effort to get our thinking out in front of our emotions so we could perform our duties as parents better.
I always say we as parents must be careful not to have tantrums, but it’s okay to grab a timeout (aka lock yourself in the bathroom for a moment of peace like I do!) 🙂
Once, I had a teacher tell me that she sent her kids to their bedrooms to give herself a time-out before reacting. We do all need time-outs once in a while.
Kristin, where were you with this post 17 years ago?
Probably off somewhere feeling rejected! I have learned a lot in 17 years. 🙂
🙂