People Pleasing: Are You Being True To Yourself? Are You Being True To Others?
Do you spend so much time trying to impress other people that you have totally forgotten what is best for you?
One of our biggest fears is rejection. The need to belong is one of our most basic human needs. Because of this, we may find ourselves going to great lengths to be accepted by another person. Sometimes this need for acceptance is so strong that we become blind to what is in our best interest or what it is we really want or need in the first place.
Many people who come to see me for counseling are so focused on getting another person to like or love them that they lose sight of what they really need or want. They go out of their way to impress another person without realizing that the other person is not impressing them at all. Matter of fact, the person may even be disrespecting them. If they actually got what they think they really want, they would realize that it is not what they really want at all.
Take Nan for example:
Nan was determined to get popular and attractive Joey to marry her. Joey liked to fish, so Nan took up fishing. Joey liked to golf, so Nan took up golfing. Nan worked hard to please Joey and never took her eye off of her goal. And after a lot of hard work, Nan’s determination paid off, and Joey asked Nan to marry him.
Nan was elated and accepted Joey’s proposal. The attractive and popular Joey would finally be her man. Nan kept up the facade for a while and continued to please Joey while neglecting her own needs. But as the years went by, Nan became depressed. She didn’t really enjoy fishing or golfing or many of the things that Joey liked to do. Their political beliefs, their spiritual beliefs, and their future goals were also very different. It seemed they had nothing in common.
Nan eventually realized that she had worked so hard trying to impress Joey, that she had never taken into consideration what she needed out of a relationship. She also became aware of how unfair this had been to Joey. He had not married the real Nan. He had married a version of Nan, made up to please and manipulate him into marrying her.
Are you a people pleaser? Do you consistently neglect your needs to meet the needs of others? If so, you may want to ask yourself several questions.
Am I trying harder to impress the other person than they are trying to impress me?
Am I pretending to be something I am not in order to please another person?
If this person were to commit to me right now, could I tolerate their behavior without asking them to change?
Remember that no one will be able to meet your every need, but healthy relationships have a foundation of mutuality. They consist of true intimacy which is free of pretense.
There are magazines out there that run articles advising women to do exactly what “Nan” did. If the guy likes sailing, buy a book on sailing and brush up on the sailing terminology, etc. I remember reading some of these articles years ago and thinking, “And what happens when he finds out you’ve been faking it, or if you realize you don’t like sailing after all?” It all seemed rather dishonest to start with and headed for disaster from the start.
Yes, you are correct. There have been lots of magazine articles with the “How to get him to like you” theme. But what happens when you do and you haven’t really been honest about who you are? How happy will you really be over the long haul? Great point, Anneli. Learning healthy relationship skills is different than pretending to be something you are not. I really wish younger people understood this before committing to their own fantasy of a person.
I only we could get 17 year olds to truly understand this … Blessings for the work you do …
Yes, I wish we could get teens and young adults to better understand this. Way too many people try to change who they are to “fit” with the person they are attracted to. After they “get” the person that they have been pursuing, they want the other person to change to “fit” who they really are. Thank you for your blessings.
It takes a long time to break out of that mindset. It becomes almost automatic. Every time I visit your page, your post immediately gets bookmarked. You always give me a lot to think about. Thank you.
You are so welcome. Yes, it does become an automatic response for many people. They have been relating to people this way since they were very very young. The key to changing an automatic response is to first be mindful that it is there in the first place. Thank you for your comments. Have a terrific day!
Coming from a family where perfect children were expected this was a hard thing to get rid of from my hidden closet. So glad that it is behind me and very glad I took care of it before I had my own children, who are pretty happy with who they are, because their father and I always felt blessed because of who each of them were in their own special way. Great post Kristin!
Thank you, Tina. It sounds like you gave your children a great gift!
Great advice! I used to be a people pleaser, but not anymore. I still want acceptance, but am very willing to say “no.” Thank you for your great advice.
Thank you. We all want to be accepted to a certain degree. The feeling of rejection just isn’t fun. However, we need to make sure that we are not sacrificing ‘who we are’ or our own self-respect in order to be accepted by others. Be kind to others while maintaining our values and integrity. Thank you so much for your comments. I am glad that you are willing to say “no”.
My #1 ‘problem’ in life. Remembering our worth in God vs. what people think of us is the key here, and it’s something I consistently fail to do. In the end, the opinions of others and whether or not they like us doesn’t matter. Being ourselves is the best thing any of us can do.
Great post, my friend.
I agree with you! Thanks, Brian.