Do your people pleasing habits leave you worn out and angry? These 5 shoulds often lead to disappointment, anger, resentment, and hurt.
- People should like me because of all that I do for them.
- People should love me because I always put their needs first.
- People should not leave me because I have worked so hard to get them to need me.
- People should not reject me because I have always treated them with great kindness.
- People should appreciate me because of how hard I work to please them.
If you are guilty of having these 5 people pleasing thoughts, try to correct them with more reasonable and flexible statements. The following are several examples of thought corrections. Please read.
Instead of: “People should like me because of all that I do for them.”
Try this corrective statement: “It is unreasonable to think that everyone will like me. I hope that my efforts are appreciated, but I want to be liked for who I am rather than what I can do for someone.”
Instead of: “People should love me because I always put their needs first.”
Try this corrective statement: The people who truly love me will love me for my values, what I stand for, and who I am. Part of that includes the ability to recognize that I have needs too.
Instead of: “People should not leave me because I have worked so hard to get them to need me.”
Try this corrective statement: “I hope that my loved ones don’t leave me, but manipulating them to stay, out of dependency, is not real love.
Instead of: “People should not reject me because I have treated them with great kindness.”
Try this corrective statement: “No matter how kind I am, I still may experience rejection. At one time or another, we all do. I will continue to be kind because of my value system, not because of my fear.”
Instead of: “People should appreciate me because of how hard I work to please them.”
Try this corrective statement: “I would like others to appreciate me, but the approval I need the most is my own.”
If you have a habit of pleasing others at the expense of your own self-respect, you may want to read The Disease To Please by Harriet B. Braiker, Ph.D.
Braiker, Harriet B. Ph.D., The Disease to Please. McGraw-Hill: New York, NY. 2001.
You’re the pro, but it seems to me they are all pretty health [unhealthy?] signs of codependency, too…
Todd- I changed my earlier response to you- This time going for a simple rather than tangential repy. Yes, these people pleasing destructive shoulds are characteristic of codependency. At the root, the codependent person struggles with low self-esteem, poorly developed sense of self, and fear of abandonment. Cognitive behavior therapies are very effective in helping a person who is codependent. I like this response better than my last one. Thank you for your patience. Have a great day. 🙂
Thanks, but I didn’t see the first one! Have you heard the proverb ‘to the man with a hammer, every problem is a nail’? My hammer is codependency and I tend run everything through that filter. I’m not as smart as you when it comes to this stuff so I was just checking my filter to see if it’s working properly. 😀
As much as I hate to own it, I think you’re right about the root. :-/
As for the shoulds? I don’t let other people should on me but it’s hardest to stop me from doing it…
You can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. You own it and educate yourself. That is what leads to healthy change. We all have our unique filters- knowing what they are is key. Sounds like you are pretty insightful. 🙂 We are all a work in progress.
Reblogged this on fibrohappiness and commented:
Great advice from Kristin at Let Life In Practices. Enjoy the read!
Thank you, Sloan. Have a great week!
Have a happy and fabulous new month, Kristin.
You too, Michael!
Hey kristin…I loved this blog. It hit home with me on so many levels. Thank you for all of your motivational and inspiring insights.
Caroline
Thank you, Caroline for inspiring me!
These “should”s are right on the mark. People who use manipulation to try to ensure they aren’t neglected or left alone only bring out resentment in the victims of their devious clinging tactics.
Clinging can cause resentment in one who desires more distance and the person doing the clinging often gets exactly what they fear- more distance.
I love the way you teach up to us, rather than down, inspiring!
Thanks, Melinda. The people that I try to help often teach me so much. They really are my inspiration. Have a great day.
Reblogged this on Inner Angels & Enemies and commented:
I wish I been told this advice many years ago, then perhaps it wouldn’t have taken me so long and so much heartache to learn for myself. I hope everyone gets some great insight from this terrific post!
Thank you for the kind words and for sharing with your readers.
You are very welcome. Thank you for writing it! 🙂
Enjoyed your post and the discussion. Thank you for visiting my blog.
BE ENCOURAGED! BE BLESSED!
I used to be such a pleaser, at my own expense, now I am much more self protective. I like this post very much! and thank you for visiting me!
You are very welcome. It is all about balance. Doing for others, but not to the point where you become depleted and lose self-respect. I will visit your blog again soon.