Many people have come to counseling asking how to stepparent. Today we are seeing more and more blended families, and parents want to know if they are doing it right.
Although there is no exact science to stepparenting or any kind of parenting for that matter, parents who take the time to read the research are usually better off than those who enter into a stepfamily unprepared.
When I find information and tools that I really think will help people, I like to pass it on. This information is no exception. It was given to me by my two colleagues, Judy Johnson and Becky Van Valin, both licensed psychotherapists.
Stepfamily Myths
- Stepfamily integration occurs quickly.
- A stepfamily is the same as a first marriage family.
- Love occurs instantly.
- Stepmothers are wicked.
- Children whose parents divorce and remarry are damaged permanently.
- It helps children to withdraw from their non-custodial parent.
- Remarriages following a death go more smoothly than those occurring after a divorce.
Source: Stepping Together, by John and Emily Visher
Practical Stepparenting Strategies
- Leave the disciplining to the natural parent and support this parent behind the scenes. When a respectful relationship has formed between you and your stepchild, then you can share the disciplinary role with your partner.
- Allow each child to have a voice in the family. The child who can express needs and wants, who knows his or her opinion is heard and valued (whether it is honored by action or not), is far less likely to generate excessive friction.
- Children want to feel that they are trusted. Finding ways to send this message will be extremely important.
- Don’t push the kids into uncomfortable relationships with one another. Never force them to love each other. Expect them to at least treat each other as well as they would treat a neighbor.
- Family members must learn to respect each other’s privacy and personal space. Personal belongings should not be touched without permission.
- Individuality is important. Refrain from trying to “fix” each other and make every effort to let irritations slide by. Model for your family how to appreciate each person’s strengths, abilities, and personalities.
- Be “uncontrollable” – that is, be a parent whose choices aren’t dictated by your child’s emotional responses.
- Have regularly scheduled family meetings. Allow all family member an opportunity to make suggestions for the family. Adults need to be careful not to dominate with an agenda or with solutions to problems.
- Don’t expect everyone to love each other and get along right away. Everyone needs time to adjust, and love is built on kindness, compassion, patience, and respect.
Three Basic Needs of All People
- To belong
- To be loved
- To have some control over their life
I really hope that this helps some of you out there who are trying to adjust to your new blended family. Thank you again to Judy Johnson and Becky Van Valin from Eden Counseling Center for sending this information my way.
If you have any effective stepparenting tips, please do tell. There are many new stepparents who want to parent well, but are walking in uncharted territory.
Related articles
- 9 Ways to Tell Your Children That You Love Them
- Advice for a New Parent or Stepparent (everydayfamily.com)
It’s not easy and advice like this is sure helpful.
Have a terrific weekend!
Step-parenting was very difficult. I am so glad they are adults and on their own now and I survived 🙂
I am sure that you learned a lot along the way! Have a great weekend, Tina.
I think that the of the children really had a bearing on our situation. I brought two under the age of four into our family and my spouse brought two over the age of nine to family. I hadn’t had the experience of having children that age in my life continually. As we had custody of the older ones, I had alot of learning to do in a big hurry. I was overwhelmed at times. I did try to hold meetings. Someties they worked, sometimes they didn’t. I found the one thing that caused the most havoc was having the one child ping-pong back and forth to her other home. It was a constant readjustment for both families.
We did get through this growing process, but not without some casualties. However, in the grand scheme of things, all are doing well and have good values, families and seem to be quite happy with who they are.
Good advice posted here, and yes knowing what to expect and where resources are to help is worth finding out.
Liz, Thank you for sharing your experience and what you know on the topic. I am sure you went through your share of obstacles. I am glad that all are doing well in the grand scheme of things. I think it is always helpful to look at the big picture. I hope that you have a good weekend.
I think my daughter’s step father could have learned from this post – they always had a fractious relationship. Good advice Kristin. 🙂
I am sure that you have done a great job, though. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.
The roles of stepmother and stepfather are not easy, a confusing mix of similarities and differences to that of biological mother and father roles. Equally baffling are the alien roles of stepson, stepdaughter, stepsibling, and half sibling.
Teenagers, even in the best of biologically intact families, are capable of making your hair stand on end. Multiply that a few times over and you have an idea of the havoc they’re capable of within the stepfamily mix – a situation where constructive discipline often goes begging. Traditional biological – family discipline often backfires, creating even less harmony, security and order, leaving everyone wondering not only what should be done but by whom.
THE DRAMA
Do you and your mate disagree on what “effective” discipline is? Do you and your spouse discipline through pain, guilt and frustration instead of using discipline to guide, teach and protect by respectfully asserting yourself? Do you usually enjoy being a stepparent, or do you endure it? As a stepparent do you:
1.Feel uncomfortable with, or unsure of, your authority?
2.Feel significantly criticized about how you discipline your stepchild by someone whose opinion matters?
3.Feel too little disciplinary support from your partner, i.e., you often feel “It’s me against them?”
4.Feel significantly disliked and disrespected by your stepchild and feel hurt, resentful, torn, and guilty?
Perhaps you honestly don’t like your stepchild – which shapes how you co-parent him or her. Your partner may want you to discipline his child differently (more strict/less strict/more friendship), and you don’t really want to or don’t know how.
THE SOLUTION
The first step is to adopt a long-term problem-solving outlook. The short-term rifle shot of “I want Jenny to start cleaning up her room now” isn’t going to work. Adopt a co-parent, partnership attitude: “This is our problem,” instead of “It’s me against you here.” Accept that it’s not a matter of simple “obedience” or “the mess in her room.” Effective discipline is about a group of deeper unmet needs that you and your partner need to uncover together, focus on one at a time, and resolve over time.
Work with your partner to develop the skill and confidence needed to spot and dismantle toxic relationship triangles. Discipline conflicts promote them, which makes lasting solutions all the more evasive.
SORTING IT OUT
When your stepchild disobeys and efforts to gain his or her consistent cooperation aren’t working, you need to look at the real problems underneath the defiance. When your stepchildren haven’t grieved their losses enough, you and your partner (including ex-mates) need to do this together and with compassion. Without exception, all stepfamilies are based on major sets of broken bonds, i.e., losses, for adults and kids alike; the loss from a gradual or sudden breakup of their biological family through separation and divorce, death, or desertion. Surprisingly, another set of broken bonds comes from remarriage and/or people from different families moving in together.
Children (biological and step) often test for safety, not because they’re rejecting you. If this is the case, support their needs, learn specifically what it will take for them to feel safe, and assert your needs patiently while they test.
Your stepchildren may be overwhelmed with their many developmental and adjustment tasks in this new household and may be paralyzed or angry about having to do them, through no fault of their own. Pay attention, often steady support, and praise their progress as they adjust, over time.
As a stepparent, you may be trying to discipline too soon. You have to earn your stepchild’s respect and trust over many months, after the wedding. Whenever practical, let your mate set limits and enforce consequences. Concentrate on earning the child’s trust and respect, without being a doormat. Assume disciplinary authority gradually.
Does your stepchild perceive (correctly?) that the limits you set are disrespectful demands instead of requests? If so, learn communication skills and change your attitude. Your message needs to become one of equal respect.
Your partner, your stepchild’s other (biological) parent, or someone else may be sabotaging your disciplinary authority by either overtly or covertly encouraging your stepchild to disobey you. Confront this person respectfully and firmly about his or her actions (but not his or her character, which will cause the person to become defensive and sabotage your intent). Work to uncover the real needs underneath the sabotage and solve these problems, if possible. Free your stepchild from being caught in the middle.
You might have unrealistic expectations of yourself, your partner, and/or your stepchild – e.g., I’m an adult, so my stepchild must willingly respect and obey me. Wrong. Adjust any unrealistic expectations and check the results over time.
Your teenage stepchild might be experimenting appropriately with early independence – just as you’re trying to get your stepfamily to bond together. Become an expert on what teems need to be able to break away safely. Refocus from bonding, obedience and acceptance to helping the child leave your new nest, over time. Try to see the “rebellion” as normal testing, not personal rejection – and respectfully assert your boundaries while the teen learn.”
YOU WILL NEED PATIENCE
Every one of these problems is “normal.” Improving your stepchild discipline problems will ground and empower you. Guard against wasting valuable time, energy, hope and patience on ineffective surface solutions. Earn the deep satisfaction and joy of raising relatively healthy, productive children.
Take heart. Over time, your stepfamily can grow to be a reliable, healing refuge of warmth, contentment, safety, respect, fun, and support. To get and savor these rare plums, the earliest challenge for you and your partner – and then your kids, ex-mates, and key relatives – is to clearly accept that together you make up a difference kind of normal family: a stepfamily. If you do not accept your true stepfamily identity in your hearts, you are at great ongoing risk of striving endlessly to be what you are not – a biological family. For most co-parents and minor kids, this becomes increasingly stressful and frustrating. It’s like trying desperately to make your poodle into a pony. It can’t, and you won’t.
Ultimately, the unexpected complexities, confusion, disillusionment, and lack of informed help combine to crack and ultimately destroy so many stepfamilies. In stunned disbelief, previously divorced biological parents and their minor (and grown) kids find themselves living the horrors, agony, financial, and conceal convulsions of family breakup and divorce – again.
Gloria Lintermans is the author of THE SECRETS TO STEPFAMILY SUCCESS: Revolutionary Tools to Create a Blended Family of Support and Respect
Gloria, Thank you so much for sharing all of your insight and knowledge about the stepfamily. I hope that many of my readers see this. I will check out your book. My clients will benefit from your work as well. Thank you! -Kristin