You and your relationships depend on it.
If you only do what you want to do, you will get exactly what you do not want. –Kristin Barton Cuthriell
Marsha Linehan, founder of dialectical behavior therapy, stresses the need to balance our “wants” and “shoulds.” Dr. Linehan suggests that we look at what we do because we “want” to do it and enjoy doing it, and examine what we do because it has to be done and we “should” do it. She urges us to try to keep the number of each in balance.
When the balance is tipped too far on the “wants” side, other important areas in our life will be neglected including our most important relationships. When life becomes all about us and what we want, the end result will be exactly what we do not want.
When the balance is tipped too far on the “shoulds” side, we will become grumpy and resentful, which will also negatively impact our closest relationships. We will come to resent all that we do and will most likely take it out on those around us.
Balance is key.
Try this.
Make a list of all the things that you want to do and a list of all of the things that you should be doing. Then strive to keep the number balanced even if you have to ask others for help or turn down unwanted requests. Your health and your relationships are worth it.
Suggested areas of your life to examine:
Time with partner, children, extended family, friends, spirituality, job requirements, finances, home improvement, exercise, diet, recreation, hobbies, time on computer/cell phone/social media, errands, household duties, yard, charity, meditation, doctors appointments, vacations………………..
Take some time to prioritize and balance so that your scale doesn’t tip too far in either direction.
Source
Skills Training Manual for Treating Borderline Personality Disorder by Marsha Linehan. 1993 The Guilford Press.
Related articles
- DBT Playlist with Marsha Linehan (authorjaenwirefly.wordpress.com)
- Steps to Reduce Vulnerability to Extreme Emotional Mind (letlifeinpractices.com)
- Guest Blog- Hope for those with BPD (dbtjourney.wordpress.com)
- Are You Emotional, Logical, or Wise? (writeintothelight.org)
- Linehan, creator of Dialectical Behavior Therapy, reveals her own struggles. (traumatherapy.typepad.com)
Fantastic message Tina! Keep those scales balanced…
Thank you for your kind comments, Mimi. It is sometimes difficult, but important to keep balanced. Have a great day. The weekend is almost here. Kristin
Damn near impossible my friend. I tipped way too far on the “should” side for many years of childrearing. Hit a wall and now I just can’t seem to lift any weight of the “want” side of the scale. Maybe in retirement I will find balance. Thanks for the prompt
Five young children is a heavy load! I think you do a better job than you give yourself credit for when it comes to balance. Make that list.
I have been putting some thought into your comment. You are finding balance almost impossible and feel like you tipped on the “should” side so long and hard that now you are tipping on the “want” side equally as hard. Correct me, if I misread your comment. Sounds like you feel the swing is extreme. One suggestion is to get out a calendar and write out an equal number of “wants” and “shoulds” and then hold yourself accountable. This can be done in several different ways. You may want to include an equal number of “wants” and “shoulds” on each day, or you can do a day of “shoulds” and then a day of “wants” depending on your schedule. If one week looks over loaded with one or the other, tip the scale the other way the following week. If the scale is tipped too long in either direction, you will hit that wall, as you described it. In my opinion, balance is difficult for us all, especially mothers of multiple children.
You are truly an awesome friend and personal therapist. I love your perspectives and advice. I am more in balance than I thought, upon reviewing the list you advised. I just feel that I overindulge in my “me” time. It is perhaps a little guilt but I know it is necessary. Likewise, I avoid many household tasks that are “shoulds”, deferring to personal reading time. Again, some guilt but not so much that I endeavor to change. I will continue to examine all habits and routines and avoid that impenetrable wall (to the best of my unyielding ability). Can you tell that it is time for dinner and drinks again?
I recently taught a yoga class with the theme of “I am” and “I should be.” I wish I had read this first. Awesome post.
Thank you for your kind words. I would love to know more about your theme.
Great post, smart thinking 🙂
Thank you, Tina. Have a great weekend.
You also have a great weekend Kristin 🙂
Great post! I could probably add in a few more “wants”, sometimes I get a bit bothered by all the “shoulds”!
Thanks, George. I am often too heavy on the shoulds, too.
For me, it was important to recognize that there’s a difference between “want” and “need.” One might be necessary, the other just a desire that might not be in my best interest.
Thank you for visiting my blog.
You are welcome. You make some great points.
Thanks for letting me camp out in your blog for a little while today. I had a great time and tried to leave my campsite as good as when I arrived. I’ll be back!
Great! Camp out anytime.
Just now getting through my email blog-reads. I’m just a tad behind I see…
I’ve been a bit heavy on the should side these last few weeks. Time to add some wants and get it all balanced out again by the end of the year! She’s so right. Balance is key.
Shannon, It is so easy for our scale to tip too far in one direction or the other. Balance is so important. I have to remind myself of that often. Enjoy the rest of your weekend!