The Snowball Effect

Kristin Cuthriel

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Accept the Things I Cannot Change

December 20, 2012 Kristin 39 Comments

The Serenity PrayerAnd Change the Things That I Can (Here is a little chuck from my book, The Snowball Effect: How to Build Positive Momentum in Your Life. Available on Amazon in softcover and kindle edition. Now a terrific value! Kindle edition only $3.03. Click here for more information.)

It had been a little over three years since David’s wife had left him.  After seventeen years of marriage, he was shocked when she had asked for the divorce.  Yes, he had known that the marriage was not perfect, but then again, who had a perfect marriage? Certainly not his friends.  They were often complaining about their wives, yet they were still together.

Although they continued to co-parent and get along for the sake of the children, David knew that Tanya had moved on.  His sons kept him informed of who their mother was dating.  Over the past year, he knew that she had dated several different men, but nothing serious until recently. David had spent much of the past three years depressed and ruminating about the relationship between Tanya and himself. His obsessional thoughts often fluctuated- some days he thought only of revenge and other days he focused only on ways to save the relationship.  His emotions, a ping-pong ball- one day overwhelmed with anger and the next day filled with love, longing, and regret. He had lost thirty pounds over the past three years.  Being that he had never been overweight, the loss left him looking sick.  Anxiety had made even his favorite foods taste like cardboard.  His appetite had disappeared along with Tanya’s love.

Week after week, David came to his sessions- always on time and always eager to improve his life.  The only problem was that in David’s mind, his life would not improve until Tanya came back to him. No matter where I tried to steer the sessions, David would ultimately go back to brainstorming ways to work things out with Tanya so that he could find happiness again.  I admired David’s determination, but Tanya had made it very clear for several years now that she had no intention of reconciliation.  David’s focus was now taking a toll of his health and preventing him from appreciating his precious children.  David believed that Tanya and Tanya alone held the key to his happiness.

One week David walked into my office looking as if a massive weight had been lifted off of him.  He was smiling and the anxiety that had been radiating off of him for so long was no longer present.  David sat down in his usual chair.  I asked him how he was doing. He was silent for several moments and then letting out a really long sigh, he stated, “I have accepted that we are not going to be together, and I feel more relief than I have felt in years.  Now I can finally move on with my life.  She and I will have to work together parenting our children, but we will not be together.”  David went on to say that he felt as if he had just been released from a self-imposed prison.  “I would have never chosen to end my marriage, but now I realize that my happiness isn’t dependent on anyone but me.  It is time to let go and appreciate what I do have- my wonderful children.” 

David had come to accept that which he could not change.  And this acceptance set him free. David had worked hard to save his marriage and this I admired.  But there came a time when David needed to accept that it was over so that he could move forward with his life. David finally had that Ah-Ha moment and began to once again- let life in. David’s story is just one example of acceptance.  David came to realize that all that he could do was to be the best person and best father that he could be.  Living this way, gave him peace.

Is there something in your life that you cannot change?  Is it the past?  Is it another person?  Do you spend a lot of energy dwelling on something that you wish were different, but have no power to change?  What would happen if this thing, whatever it is, were accepted so that you could put your energy into doing something within your control? The trickiest part, in my opinion, is knowing the difference between that which you can change and that which you cannot.  The difference is key.  Talk to trusted others.  You may have decided to accept that which CAN be changed.  Or you may be wasting your precious energy on that which CANNOT.

In all your unique situations and circumstances,

 I pray for you- the wisdom to know the difference.

The Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

The courage to change the things I can;

And the wisdom to know the difference.

Forgiveness, Inspirational acceptance, hanging on, Let it go, letting go, letting go of your marriage, Marriage, Power to Change, putting it behind you, radical acceptance, refocusing, relationships, serenity prayer, the wisdom to know the difference

Comments

  1. The Water Bearer says

    December 20, 2012 at 11:27 pm

    Fabulous truth!

    Reply
    • The Truth Warrior says

      December 21, 2012 at 1:16 am

      I love your post 🙂 I wrote something on acceptance recently on my blog. Great minds think a like. Namaste. ~ TW

      Reply
      • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

        December 22, 2012 at 1:22 pm

        I will have to check it out! Great minds do think a like. 🙂

        Reply
    • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

      December 22, 2012 at 1:21 pm

      🙂 Have a great weekend!

      Reply
  2. pjb1943 says

    December 21, 2012 at 2:40 am

    Kristin,
    Just a note of appreciation…, from one Barton to another.

    http://pjb1943.wordpress.com/2012/12/20/1318/

    Paul

    Reply
    • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

      December 22, 2012 at 1:24 pm

      Paul, From one Barton to another, thank you! Have a great weekend!

      Reply
  3. yessiesuniartie says

    December 21, 2012 at 3:09 am

    Thanks for sharing this ….. i hope i can open my eyes and realized that in life there’s always something that out of my control, something that i can accept and something that i can’t accept 😀

    Reply
    • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

      December 22, 2012 at 1:28 pm

      Differentiating can be tricky sometimes. It often helps to talk and reflect with trusted others.

      Reply
  4. Enchanted Seashells says

    December 21, 2012 at 5:33 am

    I have found that to be a very helpful perspective. I can’t change the fact that for now, my hubby’s work takes him away for quite a while. People have a hard time accepting that I accept it, which is really funny. I can’t change it, we love each other, it’s not ideal, but things could be worse. Once I just accepted it, it became much easier to manage the time he’s gone.

    Reply
    • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

      December 22, 2012 at 1:29 pm

      I hear you! Enjoy your weekend! I hope you get some time with hubby.

      Reply
  5. Todd Lohenry says

    December 21, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    Reblogged this on What I see, what I feel, what I'd like to see… and commented:
    Girl, you are on FIRE! Great post about one of the great truths of relationships; the most important one you have is with yourself — all else flows from that one truth and understanding the only things you can control are your perception or your procedures…

    Reply
    • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

      December 22, 2012 at 1:30 pm

      Thank you so much, Todd. I value your opinions.

      Reply
  6. kalabalu says

    December 21, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    Hard part was not staying together but letting go..but then numbness made the pain lesser than it was expected..perhaps the heart was broken earlier, but crashing sound was unheard..then that moment did happen..was bad but survived..happiness like any other feeling can only be felt..may have different reasons..but yes, it is guarded and treasured.
    Very touching post..made an impact.

    Reply
    • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

      December 22, 2012 at 1:32 pm

      I am glad that it made an impact. My thoughts are with you.

      Reply
      • kalabalu says

        December 22, 2012 at 1:33 pm

        it was powered..felt it..

        Reply
        • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

          December 22, 2012 at 1:44 pm

          🙂

          Reply
          • kalabalu says

            December 31, 2012 at 4:21 pm

            Happy New Year -2013

  7. ivonprefontaine says

    December 21, 2012 at 2:21 pm

    Reblogged this on Teacher as Transformer and commented:
    My experience is a little different and pales in comparison, but the message is simple. What can I change and not change? This is fundamental. This morning I was vibrating after I read a post by a person who has never taught and is blogging about what we should or should not do in classrooms and schools. Superficially, it all sounds good and, if I did not know him, I would say what a wonderful educator. As I read the Serenity Prayer, I realized I can only change what I can change and it starts with me.

    Reply
    • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

      December 22, 2012 at 1:36 pm

      Ivon- From one teacher to another, thank you. Thank you for your comments and thank you for sharing my post with your readers.

      Reply
      • ivonprefontaine says

        December 22, 2012 at 8:01 pm

        You are welcome Kristin. Your post fell into my reader at the right time and it served to square the day for me.

        Reply
  8. lvsrao says

    December 21, 2012 at 4:37 pm

    Exceedingly great truth. Wisdom prevails.

    Reply
    • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

      December 22, 2012 at 1:37 pm

      Wisdom prevails! Enjoy your day. Great to hear from you!

      Reply
  9. indytony says

    December 21, 2012 at 5:44 pm

    This is a very sensitive and well-written post. The struggle I have (and I’m speaking as a man currently separated from my wife) is that I’ve yet to come to the belief that personal happiness is to be pursued over meaningful commitments. Coming from a Biblically conservative viewpoint, I can’t explain away the teaching of Jesus that divorce (and particularly divorce and remarriage) is not God’s intent for us.

    Thank you for this thoughtful post.

    Reply
    • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

      December 22, 2012 at 1:39 pm

      I hear what you are saying. You are not alone in your struggle. My thoughts and prayers are with you in this challenging time.

      Reply
  10. Amy says

    December 22, 2012 at 3:07 pm

    “Let go” is a long process, I glad David was able to set himself free… Thank you, Kristin!

    Reply
    • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

      December 23, 2012 at 12:59 pm

      You are welcome, Amy. Enjoy your day. 🙂

      Reply
  11. teasbook says

    December 27, 2012 at 10:11 pm

    This has always been my favorite prayer. I live by it everyday! 🙂

    Reply
    • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

      December 27, 2012 at 10:41 pm

      I love it too! 🙂

      Reply
      • teasbook says

        December 27, 2012 at 11:00 pm

        Your blog is amazing and inspiring! Thank you for visiting mine. 🙂

        Reply
  12. notebooksandteacups says

    December 28, 2012 at 6:57 pm

    I think we can all take a lesson from this story.

    Reply
    • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

      December 29, 2012 at 2:53 pm

      I know I can. Thank you for your comments. 🙂

      Reply
  13. Corinne Shields says

    December 31, 2012 at 12:27 am

    Hi Kristin

    The Serenity Prayer was my life saver too. It was only when I stopped focusing on the things I couldn’t change, ie someone else, that I had the chance to focus on the thing that I could change, ie myself. That was when life started to take on meaning again.

    Trying to change the impossible is a sure route to unhappiness, anger, depression, frustration, all those negatives that overwhelm us. It’s only when I turned the spotlight away from that and back onto myself that I started to make the little gains that lead to the beginning of self esteem. Like David I felt an enormous sense of a burden lifted. It’s something I need to remember to apply to my life on a daily basis now, so thanks for the reminder. I used to have the Serenity Prayer on daily display. I’m going to go look for it again.

    Corinne

    Reply
    • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

      December 31, 2012 at 2:36 pm

      You have great insight, Corinne. I am wishing you health and happiness in the new year.

      Reply
  14. smallpebbles says

    January 8, 2013 at 10:52 am

    ruthless honesty with oneself stirs the pot free of sediment so being can shine……thanks for the story about David…..in peace……

    Reply
    • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

      January 9, 2013 at 12:33 am

      Peace to you- Blessings too!

      Reply
  15. coastalmom says

    January 13, 2013 at 3:56 pm

    I just read this again. It really made me want to read more of your posts. I have been on kind of a tunnel vision trail for a while now. I love your blog! Thank you for making it available for all of us!
    XOXO

    Reply
    • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

      January 13, 2013 at 8:51 pm

      Xoxo. 🙂

      Reply
  16. Maxima says

    January 19, 2013 at 9:25 pm

    Thanks for sharing this have nice day

    Reply

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