The Snowball Effect

Kristin Cuthriel

Rejection Can Be A Gift

39 Comments

“If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn’t walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal.  Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don’t need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choice.” -Don Miguel Ruiz,  The Four Agreements

Pbeach 7It never feels good to be dumped! Although it may not be anything personal, we still feel the stinging rejection. We miss the things that we considered good in the relationship. We often fear being alone. We don’t like change. But we often miss the bigger picture when we are enveloped in fear, grief or desperate attachment.

Many people come into my office distraught because someone has ended a relationship with them. Many times the relationship was never healthy in the first place. They have a difficult time seeing that this person may have actually done them a favor.

Going through a break up gives us the opportunity to reflect on the situation, on the relationship, and most importantly on ourselves. We must look at our patterns if we are to grow and eventually get ourselves into healthier more fulfilling relationships that consist of mutual love and respect.

If we have a pattern of getting into relationships that leave us feeling mistreated and disrespected, we must take a look at what we are doing or not doing to attract such people. We teach people how to treat us. When we love and respect ourselves, we do not attract people who treat us poorly.

Too often people go from one relationship to the next repeating the same old patterns that have never worked for them. I have had clients tell me that all men or all women are cheaters, abusers, and so on. This is not true! The clients are acting in a way that attracts these people to them. When they learn  to love and respect themselves, the abusers in the world will not even know they exist.

Use rejection as an opportunity to grow. Maybe there is a lesson to be learned. Maybe it really wasn’t meant to be. Maybe the rejection is a blessing in disguise and something bigger and better is just around the corner.

Have you ever experienced a rejection that opened the door to something really great?

Comments

  4. kenhaberman says

    Right on target. If you’ve “loved and lost” someone; there is a reason why your relationship ended and you’re both probably better off because it ended. Thank you, Kristin!

    Reply

  6. colormusing says

    I certainly feel that being dumped (after more than 20 years of marriage) for another woman was a good thing– would I really want to still be married to a man who was capable of treating me that way? Of course, it was horrible at the time (no warning at all, although I could see signs in retrospect), but when I look at the difference between his life and mine today, I’m actually able to feel grateful for this experience!

    Reply

    • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

      Lindy,I am sorry that you went through just a devastating experience, but I am so glad that you feel grateful today. When we are in the middle of it, it is so difficult to see the blessing. Thank you for sharing this! Others may be in the middle of the pain right now- and need to hear this.

      Reply

  8. Chris Griffin says

    I thought I would never get over my ex leaving me for someone else, but that was eighteen years ago. This week I celebrate my seventeenth anniversary with my soulmate and my partner. Yes, good things can come from rejection! Cheers, Chris

    Reply

    • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

      Hi Chris. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. So many people have a difficult time seeing past the pain. It is REALLY hard to do when you are in it. Your story is an inspiration. I am glad that you had the opportunity to find your soulmate. I am also glad that you did not close your heart to love following your experience. Have a great day!

      Reply

  11. Todd Lohenry says

    I think the critical issue is choice; if you feel like you have one it’s easier to do; if you feel like you don’t it’s much harder to deal with. What are your thoughts on choice in this situation, K?

    Reply

    • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

      I do think it is about choice and the perspective one chooses to take. When we feel rejected we can either give up and shut down or decide that someone else will not take charge of our destiny. Are we going to live like a puppet under someone else’s control or are we going to become empowered? The comments on this post are wonderful examples. People have gone on to find joy, happiness, and even “soulmates,” after going through devastating break ups. At the time, they felt the intense pain would never go away. But they chose to move forward without putting walls around their heart. And you know what? Their heart healed and they found even more joy than before. When we are hurt we need to grieve. But there comes a time where we DECIDE whether we want to stay angry and blame blame blame or move forward with our life. Thank you for asking that question, Todd. This is something that I am passionate about. 🙂

      Reply

  12. wordsfromanneli says

    So true. Why stay with someone who doesn’t treat you well? Better to be with someone who really cares, and if that person is hard to find, it’s still better to be alone than with someone who doesn’t respect you.

    Reply

  14. Lipstick and Chaos says

    I saw this quote back when you first posted it but, at the time, it didn’t strike a prose. Or maybe I was just short on time that day – I looked at this today – fresher, in a way. Friendships are like that – some are so toxic yet for reasons unknown, we continue them until, as in my circumstance, an outside force exerts itself and severs it. It was and is the most painful way to end anything – a sudden separation – no closure, no more verbal exchanges, no fighting, no talking it out – it is just over.
    It takes a while to recover (still working that out) but you realize just how long this would have continued and just how damaging it would have been and the lack of growth on both parties, let alone the spiritual stunting.
    Sometimes, it may just take the unseen hand to steer us in the right direction, eventually 🙂

    Reply

  16. coastalmom says

    I’ve recently had the opportunity to reject my rejecter of many years ago. He thought that he could swoop back into my life and was entitled to me after all these years. I stupidly thought I could get closure by allowing him in. My husband knew about my deep past hurts and sweetly and stupidly and in his defense, very reluctantly gave me his okay to say goodbye. Well, two years later, I have finally realized that I dodged a speeding bullet once upon a time and almost became a willing target in a time in my life when I am supposed to be smarter than that. But you are right it took a while (almost 3 decades!) to see but there definitely was a lesson to be learned. Finally! 😉 Thank you for this post and all of your wonderful insights! I feel blessed to have found you.

    Reply

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