Don’t Keep Score!
If you want your partnership to last a lifetime, than you will have to stop keeping score. Ruminating on past problems keeps you stuck. If you continually bring up every injustice in your relationship, you never give your relationship room to grow. If you stay stuck in what is wrong, you will be blind to what is going right.
Do not tolerate abuse, but give your partner grace. Everyone messes up from time to time. Confront the issue, do what you can to find resolution, and then let it go.
Be mindful of the positive. Your partner needs to hear at least five “good” things that he or she is doing, for every “bad.” The positive things that we say to people tend to go in one ear and out the other. The negative things tend to stick like glue.
If you have been trying to get your partner to stop doing something, and he or she does it again, ask yourself, “Has there been any improvement? Has there been any progress? Is it happening less than it use to happen?” Appreciate the progress. (I am talking about relatively small things here. If the repeated offense involves abuse or an affair, please get professional help immediately.)
Partners that have been together forty or fifty years, probably don’t spend a lot of time bringing up forty or fifty years of grievances. Can you imagine? Remember, your partner is human and will let you down from time to time. Don’t allow what is going wrong to overpower what is going right. Look for progress, not perfection. Don’t sweat the little things if you want your relationship to thrive.
Appreciate the progress. Rightly said Kristin. Thanks for this post and will surely apply these tips in my relationship. 🙂
You are so welcome!
A good reminder as always, Kristin.
The 4:1 or 5:1 positive to negative ratio (John Gottman’s books on marriage and relationship are filled with references to this) is good advice and is crucial to keeping a relationship working.
So is picking your battles. Patterns of behavior are different from occasional slip ups. But patterns of behaviors (personality traits) are the things we most want to battle about, and are the most difficult for most people to change. There’s the dilemma: which patterns of behavior to try and change, and which ones to accept. The Serenity Prayer again.
A good marriage is not just about acceptance; it’s about two people helping each other to grow up, and not for some egocentric or self-centered end—i.e., so that the person is a better partner to us and slot machine for our needs and wants and moods—but for more noble ends—so that the person is a better human being in general, for the world at large.
We are all works in progress; we all have our strengths and weakness and areas where we can grow and improve as well as areas that seemingly no amount of loving and compassionate effort will make much of a dent in changing. When two people can start to look at themselves and each other and their relationship in this way—as what Schnarch terms a “people growing” endeavor—it makes all the difference. But many people don’t look at their relationship this way: instead they look at it as something that is there to provide them with more gratification than work—something along the lines of a variation on 4:1 ratio idea . . . 4 withdrawals for every deposit, 4 gratifying experiences for every 1 occasion where they have to invest themselves and grastify the other person. (And I don’t think this is too cynical of a view.)
And, yes, don’t sweat the small stuff—good advice, especially since so much of what gets sweated, if seen on a long enough timeline (beginning with the end in mind), really is just small stuff.
Again, very wise advice as always, Kristin.
Kindest regards,
John
Thank you, John. Always great to hear from you!
Great post! You’re absolutely right. My husband and I have been married almost 14 years and I had to learn this lesson quick! What’s more, I’ve learned that allowing myself to see past the infraction, whatever it is, down to the intention, down to the man I love and then examine myself, I gain far more then I ever could by clinging to a wrong suffered.
Well said!
That’s great advice to make any relationship you value more pleasant and longer lasting. Thank you, Kristin.
You are so welcome, Ken.
Right. We have better things to do than to be counting each other’s mistakes all the time.
True!
Funny, as I was reading this, it occurred to me that everything you’re saying can apply also to how I treat myself. I especially respond to your point about progress vs. perfection. Well said!
Yes, we can apply the same to ourselves. Thank you!
Sound advice again Kristin! I’ve seen so many relationships “stuck” in a negative spiral just because one or both are so focused on keeping the score. Thanks!
You are welcome. It is good to hear from you!
Excellent post! I took me a while to understand and apply this in my life as I mimicked my mother, who is still holding past mistakes against my Dad, (they were separated for 25 years and he died 3 years ago), but still she refuses to forgive. I had no one in my life to model this forgiving grace-ful behavior until I reunited with my Dad after 15 years estranged. There are times the old habits rise up but The Lord doesn’t let me stay there for long before He gives me a nudge back in the right direction. My Hubby and I recently celebrated 12years and even though we have our tough times, I love him more and more as we find the light after the storms together. Blessing s to you!
Blessings to you! Your story really touched me! Weathering the storms together is so important- as is letting go of bitterness and resentment. I am so glad that you reunited with your dad and that you and your husband are able to let go of anger. We all are human and will mess up from time to time. Learning from mistakes is also key. Thank you for sharing!