You are in the check out aisle at the grocery store and your little sweet pea sees a lollipop that looks like zebra. You know instantly that you are in BIG trouble. Little Sally not only loves lollipops, she is crazy about zebras.
“Zebra!” she says with bright eyes. You know that this is not going to go well. You do not want her to have the lollipop, and she has already spotted it. Gotta just love those aisles filled with candy, especially if you have a toddler.
“Yes, it is a zebra,” you say.
“I wanna have the zebra,” Sally says, just a little louder.
“No, we are not getting the zebra today,” you say.
Sally then begins to cry, “I want the zebra!”
You have been here before. Sally is getting ready to enter an emotional hurricane. In several seconds, your little sweet pea will resemble a cyclone in full force.
Recently, I have written several posts on emotional regulation for adults. These posts focus on ways in which we can insert a pause between an upsetting event and our reaction. In doing so, we are able to respond from our logical or wise mind and not from our out of control extreme emotional mind. Emotional regulation keeps us from entering that hurricane where we do things we often regret.
As parents, we can help our children with emotional regulation and reduce the risk of Hurricane Sweet Pea showing up in the grocery store or anywhere else.
Emotional regulation for toddlers and young children involves distraction and reducing vulnerability. When you see that your child is heading for an emotional hurricane, there are several things that you can do to reduce the risk of a total meltdown with hurricane force winds.
- Reduce vulnerability through HALTS– HALTS stands for Hungry or Hurried, Angry, Lonely, Tired, Sick. Just like you, when your child is hungry, hurried, angry, lonely, tired, or sick, he or she is at high risk for emotional meltdown with no triggering event at all. Throw in a triggering event and say goodbye to any logic, reason, problem-solving, and self-control.
To reduce vulnerability, feed your children scheduled healthy meals, give them plenty of time to get ready (children like predictability), allow them to talk about their feelings, make sure they are getting enough sleep, and do what you can to prevent physical illness (wash hands, doctor’s visits).
- Pick Good Times to Go- No matter how hard you try, children at one point or another are going to be hungry, hurried, angry, lonely, tired, or sick. If at all possible, do not take your child out when he or she is in the high risk zone. This may seem to be common sense, but many parents take their child to the grocery store when the child is hungry. This is absolutely asking for a hurricane- a very intense one at that.
- Distract– Emotional regulation with toddlers and small children centers around distraction. The moment you see that a meltdown is coming, distract. Let’s use Little Sally as an example. As soon as Little Sally spots the zebra lollipop, ask Sally to do something totally unrelated- anything to distract her attention from the lollipop. You may ask her to show you her hand. Then you may ask her a series of questions. “How many fingers do you have on your hand? How many fingers do you have on two hands? What is your favorite color? Can you name three things that are red? What about blue?” (Just stay away from black and white or her attention will be right back on the zebra.) You get the picture, just distract.
- Stay Calm– It is counterproductive to enter the hurricane with your toddler. Young children need you to be calm and weather the storm. They need you to model appropriate behavior. You do not need to yell and scream and enter the hurricane, too.
- Don’t Give In- If none of this works, which I think it will, don’t give in to the meltdown. No matter how big the scene and no matter how big your embarrassment, if you give in and give Sally the zebra- after you have told her no, you have just taught her to throw a tantrum every time she wants something. Kids do what works,
If you missed the posts on emotional regulation for adults, please check them out. We all can use some help calming down once in a while.
Emotional Regulation: Getting Your Emotions Out of the Driver’s Seat
stuartart says
Oh Kristin, this brings back memories! I made my fair share of mistakes bringing up my daughter and got it wrong more times than I care to remember. One time that makes me smile though is when at about age 4 or 5 my daughter went into meltdown on a wet and dirty shop floor. I was already at the checkout with 2 big bags of shopping. In the end, emotionally exhausted I simply picked her up like a roll of carpet under one arm and calmly walked home – shopping breaking my fingers in the other hand. She kicked and screamed the whole way home as I put one foot in front of the other. When we reached home she miraculously calmed down and we ended up having a lovely afternoon. I hope she does better with her brand new baby than I did with her! 🙂
Kristin Barton Cuthriell says
Stuart, I have been there!! I can relate to the leaving the store with a roll of carpet all too well. Congrats on the new baby. Thanks for sharing.
Shannon says
Perfect advice! I want to re-blog all your stuff.
With four in tow, I always had to be ready to ditch the cart, calmly pick up the tantrum-thrower (even if he’s 5) and go home if it could not be managed in a crowded store. The other three were immediately rewarded for being good sports. Now that they know at drill, I can always count on them for peer pressure on the perpetrator when it’s a coveted shopping trip. Mom ain’t above leaving with nothing, and they learn how to better manage their disappointment in public.
Kristin Barton Cuthriell says
Hi Shannon. Feel free to re-blog any of it. Thank you for your kind words! It sounds like you have done a great job with your little sweet peas. I really enjoy reading Dirtnkids. 🙂
Organizational Specialist says
I really appreciate all your posts and learn so much from them! I have even tried reducing vulnerability with some of my clients using HALTS. THANK YOU!
Kristin Barton Cuthriell says
You are so welcome! Keep keeping us organized. 🙂
Living with BPD says
Reblogged this on Living with BPD and commented:
Great article – makes a lot of sense – useful for all the ‘mummies’ out there… x
Kristin Barton Cuthriell says
Thank you for sharing this with your readers. I hope that they pick up some good emotional regulation tips.
wordsfromanneli says
I agree with you – giving in is one of the worst things you can do. You’re guaranteeing a repeat performance if you do. Good advice, Kristin.
Kristin Barton Cuthriell says
Anneli, thank you!
Amy says
Wonderful advice! Thank you so much for sharing.
Kristin Barton Cuthriell says
You are very welcome!
Todd Lohenry says
“Reduce vulnerability through HALTS” Ummm. This actually works great when dealing with your Self and other adults as well… 😀
Kristin Barton Cuthriell says
So true! I discuss HALTS with adults in some of my other emotional regulation posts. check out the links attached to this post. As always, thanks for you comments.
Todd Lohenry says
Reblogged this on Wholeheartedness.
Kristin Barton Cuthriell says
Todd- Thank you for sharing this with your readers. Also- thank you for your continued support. It means a lot to me!