My parents are approaching their 50th wedding anniversary and my in-laws almost made it to 60 years before my father-in-law passed away last year. I believe we can learn a lot from people who have been together for half a century or more. The grace, the tolerance, the forgiveness, the sacrifice, and the hard work. The joy, the sharing, the trust, the courage to be vulnerable, the willingness to communicate. A relationship is not going to last without all of those things.
Some relationships don’t last- the brokenness is just too great. Patterns are repeated over and over again. Different person, same pattern. Maybe we get in abusive relationship after abusive relationship. Until we look at our role in the dysfunction, the pattern will continue. Maybe we need to ask, “What is it about me that attracts abusive people?” or “What is it about me that chooses abusive people?” When we are able to drop our defenses and look at ourselves in the mirror, we become aware of our patterns and the role we play in our relationships.
Marc Chernoff from the blog Marc and Angel Hack Life writes…
Several years ago, on their 50th anniversary, my 87-year-old grandfather looked at my 84-year-old grandmother and said, “This right here, our relationship, this is my greatest accomplishment.”
My grandfather’s words have always remained with me. They were beautifully romantic, but more importantly, they were delightfully true. Healthy relationships are accomplishments. They take commitment and work, and two people who are willing to meet in the middle and put in the necessary effort.
If you’re in a relationship, intimate or platonic, that could use a little help, the tips below will come in handy…
1. Let go of old wounds through forgiveness.
2. Come clean when you make a mistake.
3. Stop gossiping and start communicating.
4. Give others the space to make their own decisions.
5. Do things that make YOU happy.
6. Show your loved ones your kindness in small ways every day.
7. Say less when less means more.
8. Let your love and trust overpower your fear.
9. Accept, don’t expect.
10. Let the wrong ones go.
To reads Marc’s post in its entirety, go to 10 Relationship Tips Everyone Forgets from Marc and Angel Hack Life. In the post Marc goes into more detail about these 10 tips.
For those of you out there who have learned through broken relationships or have spent decades with the same partner, what tips would you like to share? It’s your turn.
My marriage was one of the broken ones. We were not really ready for marriage. I was 19 years old, and he was a 24-year-old WW2 hero just returned to the USA from Japan. The second day after our wedding, he began to find fault with everything about me, and that’s the way it was for five- and- a- half years. Certainly, I could have been a better partner in many ways, but I thought we were trying to grow together. I was wrong. I think a successful relationship should be based on kindness and concern for the other person, and a willingness to understand what he/she is thinking and feeling without being threatened. I believe it is also necessary to spend a lot of time before marriage getting to realize what exactly it entails and what one needs to offer to make it a success.
You bring up such great points! Others can learn from you. Thank you for sharing.
Oh, I. Totally agree. My daughter and I, observe her mother, my ex and the addicted father of the kids, bringing awareness to similar traits.
Self absorbed, rewrite history to make their importance more valuable, lost touch with reality, never sees any responsibility enter their being. Oh yes, lies, steals, manipulates, always thinking something they can say will start life brand new.
From my journey healing and practice of mindfulness, a narcissist is recognized immediately now. It is like they stand out.
May I add! that we can heal! be better! deeper! freer ,
And my childhood abuse developed strengths others did not have to have to survive. In am blessed with willpower, determination and ability to be independent without having to fix me or anything else.
I would not change my childhood, it has made me who I am. I am perfectly fine with all that now. It takes daily effort, simple, take action.
Thank you for the wisdom and nomenclature on this subject. Everything has a name.
You are so welcome. Thank you for sharing part of your story with us!
What is it about me that chooses abusive people?” When we are able to drop our defenses and look at ourselves in the mirror, we become aware of our patterns and the role we play in our relationships.
For me, generationally, I can see I. Was attracted to traits of my narcissistic father. My first wife, was a narcissist, who was for herself. With divorce and her moving out of state with my two kids were impacted by her self absorption.
She married a guitar player who was a heroin addict. My daughter has chosen two closet addicts, self absorbed to the max.
We seem to be drawn to traits of our abuse from childhood or maybe to positive loving kindness from loving caregivers.
Please share your feelings on this.
Marty.
Hi Marty,
Have you ever heard of the term “repetition compulsion”? Yes, many times people are attracted to someone who shares similar traits to a parent. (Even when the traits are abusive or unhealthy) Sometimes it is because that is all they know, and other times it is an unconscious desire to get what went “wrong” “right” in a new relationship. (Repetition compulsion) It becomes an unconscious challenge- a challenge to change the one who holds the same trait as an abusive parent. The unconscious thought process is.. “If I can get this abusive partner to love me and treat me with kindness, then I will finally be alright.”
One more thought… Children raised by narcissistic parents learn that their needs are not as important as the needs of others. Because of this, they often enter into relationships feeling less worthy than their partner. Healthy relationships are based on mutual kindness, compassion, and equality.
Great advice, thank you my friend. Happy New Year to you!
Thank you, Brian. Happy New Year to you!!!
Excellent article. Interesting and essential to keep in view.
Thank you! Have a great weekend!