Let me begin by telling you that I really don’t know Fred. I just picked the name to illustrate my story. You may use the name Sam, Cindy, or Marmaduke- if you would like. Or maybe you just want to stick with Fred.
Meet Fred. Fred thinks his way, and only his way, is the right way. He is a my way or the highway type a fella. If you do not agree with Fred on everything, you are wrong. Only Fred is right, in Fred’s eyes. Fred criticizes, invalidates, and judges those who see things differently than him.
It is difficult to have a relationship with Fred. There are no win-win resolutions, and there are no compromises. Unless, of course, YOU AGREE WITH FRED. Then compromise is really easy.
Fred’s wife has learned to keep her thoughts to herself- expressing them is pointless. Unless, of course, you guessed it, SHE AGREES WITH FRED. Then expressing them is easy.
Fred’s children have a difficult time believing in themselves. Fred has given them that WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU look, a few too many times. They have learned to doubt their own opinions. Unless of course, let’s hear it, THEY AGREE WITH FRED.
Fred’s friends don’t seem to come around much. It appears that his know it all attitude has been too much for them to take.
His employees, well… They really are not happy working for Fred. You see, Fred is not open to suggestions, and they are tired of their opinions always being wrong- according to Fred, that is.
I have worked with several Freds. Freds don’t often come to therapy because Freds aren’t usually open to looking at things in new ways. But once in a while, Fred will make an appointment. Don’t get me wrong, Fred doesn’t make the appointment to change Fred. Fred wants to change the people in his life that disagree with him.
Because Fred doesn’t want to change, it is SO rewarding when Fred is able to have a WOW, Ah-Ha moment. Sometimes Fred begins to see that he has created many of the problems in his life- especially the ones affecting his relationships. He is able to see that his fear of being out of control has caused him to be controlling. He is able to see that making a mistake doesn’t make him worthless. And he is able to see that his deep sense of powerlessness has caused him to obsess over power.
Fred’s Ah-Ha moments help him to understand that there is often more than one path to a destination. These moments help him to understand that listening to feedback from others does not make him a less powerful boss- quite the contrary. By listening and validating the opinions of his employees, he and his company become more successful.
These moments improve Fred’s relationships, and they improve Fred’s life. These moments open the door to empathy. They open the door to compromise. They open the door to viewing things from multiple angles. These Ah-Ha moments lead to understanding- an understanding that we all see the world through our own unique lens, and that no one is perfect. Not even Fred.
Do you KNOW Fred? Do you LIVE WITH Fred? Maybe you ARE Fred.
Fred, YOU are special. WE ALL are special. We can be special without being just like you.
Come on, Fred. The time has come- the time to open your eyes.
Yes, we all know a “Fred.” Sadly, I’ve found that it’s easier not to spend much time around “Freds.”
Being around a my way or the highway person isn’t a whole lot of fun. I have a new reader who said that you sent them to my blog. Thank you! 🙂
Great. I’m glad she visited you.You always have such good advice.
I know several Freds, sad but true 🙂
I think we all do. Thank you for reading , Jaz.
🙂
Do you KNOW Fred? Do you LIVE WITH Fred? Maybe you ARE Fred.
that made me laugh! do you think that the freds can see themselves in this story?
how wonderful it must feel to witness a positive change in those freds who come to you! very nice, wise counsel. thank you for this post! z
I am glad that it made you laugh. Part of this post was suppose to be kinda silly. Some Freds may see themselves in this story, but many will not. Freds are not real open to change. They also don’t see anything about themselves that they need to change. I have seen it though. For Freds to change they usually have to work through some deep stuff at their core. Have a great day.
yes, i was married to a fred, probably why i could laugh about that so easily! you’re right; freds like the way they are, the way they feel, and it does take a catalyst to trigger that wake-up call.
thanks!
z
You are welcome. 🙂
Well … To many fred out there and maybe sometimes I became a ‘fred’ too lol … Thanks for sharing these, hope it’s can open my mind n my eyes.
If you have Fred traits, you have made a giant leap towards change! Acknowledging that we need to change is half the battle. Enjoy your day!
I know all about Fred…he was my Dad. But in the meantime:
I’ve nominated you for the Blog of the Year Award 2012 ~ I think you are amazing! You can find it at http://misifusa.wordpress.com/2012/12/07/i-feel-the-love-blog-of-the-year-2012-award/
Hugs to you!
I am honored! Thank you so much for the nomination, and thank you for taking the time and effort to read and comment. I look forward to going to your link. I hope you have a wonderful weekend!
Oh yes – Fred. Fred is stuck in Precontemplation, he doesn’t understand that HE is creating the circumstances around him. But how do you nudge Fred into Contemplation?
Nudge Fred to Contemplation? Very slowly. Underneath Fred’s arrogance is a fragile ego. Fred will not entertain change if he feels attacked. If he experiences injury to his ego, he is likely to become angry and resist change. Although Fred may invalidate others, Fred needs to feel validated if change is going to eventually take place. Having Fred challenge some of his irrational beliefs while at the some time validating him (“I can see that this really bothers you.”) can be effective. Education can be also be effective. Getting Fred to imagine what it might be like to walk in the shoes of another. (Not an easy task) The bottom line is this- If Fred’s life is making him really miserable, so miserable that it is almost intolerable, he may be open to change. If Fred doesn’t want to change, he won’t. Hope this helps.
Thanks Kristin – superb to have you explain it that way. It can be frustrating to be around people like Fred – especially if they are not ready to even look at themselves changing. Thanks. 🙂
Stuart, One more thought. Contemplation is more likely to occur in therapy if a strong therapeutic relationship exists.
A safe place, yes. 🙂
Reblogged this on What I see, what I feel, what I'd like to see… and commented:
I’m glad you are posting more frequently!
Thank you.
I think a lot of bosses are Freds. Maybe that’s why it’s so hard for me to find a job outside of writing! They are so rigid and micromanaging and mean and I’m not someone who’ll agree just to agree so it looks like I’m not a “team player”. Vicious circle and I just don’t like to play!! your post really made me think, thank you!
I am sorry to hear that you have had this struggle. I have been fortunate enough to have had bosses that are open to suggestions and feedback from employees. Mean and micromanaging, as you describe, is tough to deal with. As always, thank you so much for your comments. Enjoy the rest of your weekend. 🙂
Hello Kristin! Thanks so much for another excellent post. I have met a few Fred’s in my life and a few Suzanne’s too.
You are welcome. Thank you so much for your comments!
With havin so much written content do you ever run
into any problems of plagorism or copyright infringement?
My site has a lot of unique content I’ve either created myself or outsourced but it appears a lot of it is popping it up all over the web without my agreement. Do you know any techniques to help reduce content from being stolen? I’d truly appreciate it.
Hi Lonnie. I really don’t know the answer to that. But I will let you know if I find out something new.
Thank you for mentioning my post. 🙂