Author and thought leader, Gabrielle Bernstein discusses people pleasing…
There’s a fine line between helping others and being a people pleaser, and mistaking one for the other can be hugely detrimental. When we put others’ needs before our own, we deplete our energy, which can lead to depression, physical illness, and overwhelm.
People-pleasing can also become so ingrained that it creates a victim mentality: People who give too much are susceptible to being taken advantage of, and then resentment sets in.
If you’ve felt that resentment, you might think it’s directed at others. Yet underneath, it is resentment toward yourself for giving away your power. If you’re a people pleaser, chances are good that that behavior stems from your own insecurities. We can seek completion and a sense of self-worth in our ability to take care of others.
Becoming aware of this behavior is the first step to healing it. If you think you’re someone who overly people pleases, ask yourself the following questions:
- What am I trying to get by overly giving?
- What would happen if I stopped putting others first?
Answer these questions honestly and fearlessly and see what feelings come up for you. As you review your answers, you’ll come to find that hidden beneath your desire to serve others is a deep desire to feel good enough. Getting truthful with yourself about your need to people please will help you begin the process of changing the behavior.
Next, become conscious of putting yourself first.
Dr. Christiane Northrup, a contemporary wellness pioneer, says, “If you don’t fill up your own cup first, you’ll have nothing to give.”
Great post Kristin, this is an area that people can really drain themselves in. It is good to take a look at your reasoning. 🙂
Thanks, Tina.
It all starts with awareness – love those penetrating questions. 🙂
Yes!
This post is fantastic! There is a fine line between these two but one can be incredibly detrimental. I have written a blog post on how those who perhaps people please too much can find self confidence and apply for a promotion at work. I hadn’t considered the full scale of the issue for those who people please too much, but reading this has added another dimension. Please take a look at my blog and comment!
http://opinionclash.wordpress.com/
Thank you. I look forward to checking out more of your posts.
I think I was 45 when I learned I was a terrible passive-aggressive, I took a one nigh class at adult ed about How to say No (at my wife’s suggestion) best $40 I ever spent. I learned it’s OK to get angry, and to tell people, and the being assertive is far better than being aggressive. A people pleaser, I am sure I was, and may still be, maybe at times to my detriment, but hey, it’s a beautiful world, and aren’t we here to have fun too?
Yes we are! Thank you for sharing your story. Sounds like it was a great class!
I grew up with both honestly outspoken and passively aggressive family members. The outspoken were not still kind, but I picked up the other end of the spectrum and ran with it. For about 20 years I leaned towards the passive people pleasing type. I justified it with telling myself “I was better than others for keeping my mouth shut”, “I look better in the eyes of others for being nicer”, or “If everyone is not my friend than I am failing”. Oye! It’s amazing how easily we justify dishonest ways of being.
Now though I feel a need to be honest with myself and others even if it might(but probably won’t) upset them. Looking back I just laugh at the lessons I have learned. Great post as usual. 🙂
Thank you for sharing this! Yes, we are always growing- and I don’t mean the waistline. 🙂 Growing is a life-long process for most of us. Enjoy your day!
Ha! My waistline is growing too, but I think that’s good. Thanks.
🙂
This message spoke directly to me! I have always been a people pleaser because I didn’t feel worthy of being loved just for me. I had to overdo in all things. I am a classic co-dependent who thought that I had to earn my worth. I made poor choices in life because of my low esteem. It has only been through the power of Christ in my life that I am now able to begin to see my worth through his eyes because that is all that matters.
Wow. Love it. I am so glad that you now see your worth through the eyes of God!
Very Profound and Fantastic post.
Ivsrao, Thank you for your comments. Have a great day!