Written by Kristin Barton Cuthriell, M.Ed, MSW, LCSW
What’ers begun in anger ends in shame. -Benjamin Franklin
Katie knocks over the lamp and her mother responds, “How can you be so stupid!” Tony forgets to bring his basketball to practice again. His father yells in front of the team, “What is wrong with you?” Jimmy pushes his brother and his mother remarks, “You are a bad boy!”
What is so damaging about the installation of shame? Shame is more than feeling bad about a behavior; it is feeling bad about who you are as person.
As parents, we need to remember that the goal of discipline is to address our children’s unacceptable behavior and assist them in correcting it. No matter how angry, frustrated, or tired we may be, our children need to know that they are acceptable, even if their behavior is not. Sometimes our child’s behavior embarrasses us and we may overreact, but we do not want to send a message that they, as a person, are an embarrassment.
When children are shamed by caregivers, their emotional health will suffer.
Research shows a relationship between shame, low self-esteem, depression, and anxiety. Studies also show that shame-based people are more likely to raise shame-based children. recognizing shaming behaviors can be the first step in ending this generational cycle.
There are many ways parents unwittingly shame their child, all of which have long-lasting effects. Here are some of the more common ways in which children are shamed.
- Name Calling/ Labeling: You are such a baby. You are so stupid. You are a bad girl. How can you be so stupid? What an idiot. You can’t do anything right. You are so lazy! When children are disciplined in this way, they may internalize these labels, believe them, carry them into adulthood, tell themselves the same messages, carry out the self-fulfilling prophecy, and possibly pass the same messages on to their children.
- Public Humiliation: We would not appreciate or respect a boss who called us out and embarrassed us in front of our co-workers. Our children are no different and do not deserve to be publicly humiliated. Discipline in private. Don’t embarrass your child because their behavior embarrassed you. Remember you are the adult and they will learn from your example.
- Body Language: We really do communicate more through our body language than we do through our words. Watch your body language. When you roll your eyes at your child, the message that you are sending to them is that they are stupid and that you do not care about the things that they have to say.
- Sarcasm: The definition of sarcasm is tearing of the flesh. Sarcasm is contempt in disguise. Avoid it at all costs.
- Comparing: Why can’t you be more like your brother? Johnny can do it, what is wrong with you? Your sister would have never done that! Children need to grow up recognizing their own strengths, not comparing themselves to others. If you compare them to others, they will spend their life comparing themselves to others.
Discipline Without Shame
Whether your children know it or not, they crave consistency and structure. It makes them feel safe when things are predictable. They need to know what is acceptable and what is not. Children need consistent consequences when they disregard the rules, and they need praise when they make healthy choices. All of this can be done without shame.
If you would like to know more about toxic shame and building a healthy family, please check out John Bradshaw’s best-selling books, Bradshaw On: The Family and Healing the Shame That Binds You.
Very good points. We could all use a reminder of giving consistent consequences and praising good decisions and behavior.
Thank you for stopping by my blog. We do all need reminders from time to time. Sometimes we just need to remember what we know. Thank you for your comments.
Once again you bring to light a wonderful point. I believe many parents who succumb to name calling and shaming their children, are unfortunately in a cycle where they are repeating that which they were taught as children. Your blog is a fantastic way to bring to light the damage that can be caused by simple every day events that we have endured through most of our lives. I think so many are not even aware of the ramifications that result from such parenting. Thank you so much for sharing
Thank you for taking the time to read and respond to my article. Your thoughts are well articulated, and I could not agree more. The good, the bad, and the ugly tend to cycle through generations unless someone learns something new and breaks the chain. Thank you-
I was disciplined with shame and it took me decades to rebuild my self-esteem afterward. Although parents for the most part no longer use physical discipline, so many do not realize the damage that emotional abuse can do to a child.
With my own children, I tried to use logic and humor as much as possible when disciplining them. It is important for us as parents to teach our children how to be responsible adults, but it is equally as important for us not to tear them down in the process.
This is also a good lesson for teachers. I am horrified at the things that I heard teachers say to their students. No wonder the drop-out rate is so high.
Thank you for sharing and reading the blog. I appreciate your comments. Let Life In
Too many times we respond to frustration with pure emotion. If we are able to pause before we react and use logic, the outcome will almost always be better. Responding in the heat of the moment usually leads to regret.
That’s true.
The counting to 10 (depending on the situation sometimes I had to count to 100) does give you time to cool off and think before reacting.
This is an important message that anyone with children should read. I for one will be passing it on. Thanks. Stu 🙂
Stuart, Thank you for passing it on. Have a great day. Let Life In Practices
That’s right!
And I agree when you said that, “the goal of discipline is to address our children’s unacceptable behavior and assist them in correcting it.”
Discipline is best delivered when it’s delivered with love.
Thank you for your comments. Sounds like we are on the same page
Yes we are Kristin. 🙂
Do you thing a parent who has yelled at their child and said things like “why do you always do this, I’m so frustrated, stop it now, cut it out, you always do this” and that kind of thing is creating toxic shame? I have a 6 yr old and while I never name call, or publicly shame, compare, or use sarcasm, I have been very agitated for a while and responded in these types of ways. Sometimes it takes me a bit to calm down. I am worried after learning about this concept in No Drama Discipline. Also, if so is it fixed in my child or can I undo any damage? I haven’t finished the book yet and am pretty anxious.
If any damage has been done, you can undo a lot of it. “I’m frustrated when you don’t listen to me.”, “stop ______________(a certain behavior), and “cut it out” probably won’t damage a child at all, but to be effective try not to use the words “always” and “never”. Praise positive behaviors often. When you correct a behavior tell the child what to do instead . Example: “We don’t leave our clothes on the floor, we put them in the hamper.” “We don’t hit, we……” Practice breathing and calming yourself down so that the discipline is about changing a behavior rather than just responding in anger. Hope this helps.
Todd, my wonderful supporter- Thank you for mentioning my post. Discipline without shame is so important!
Great! Thank you.