The Snowball Effect

Kristin Cuthriel

Love or dependency

34 Comments

Written by Kristin Barton Cuthriell, M.Ed, MSW, LCSW

Love is the ability and willingness to allow those that you care for to be what they choose for themselves without any insistence that they satisfy you. -Wayne Dyer

Sally tells her husband, Ron, that she would like to go visit her sister for the weekend. Ron becomes upset and accuses Sally of not loving him. He gives Sally such a hard time, that even if she were to go, she would not enjoy herself. Ron tells Sally that he does not want her to go because he loves her and wants to spend all of his time with her.

Ken and Angie spend most evenings and weekends together. One Saturday, Ken is invited to go to a ballgame with the guys. When Ken asks Angie if he can go, she becomes upset and reasons that he would rather be with the guys than with her.  She feels hurt and acts angry and resentful towards Ken. Ken can’t enjoy the game because he knows that he has hurt Angie.

Cindy joins a book club that meets the first Wednesday night of each month. Ted feels threatened by Cindy leaving the house to do something without him. As much as Cindy enjoys book club, she stops going. The way Ted treats her when she does go, just isn’t worth it.

Unless the visit to the sister, the ballgame, and the book club are destructive to the individual or the couple in some way, Ron, Angie, and Ted are operating with their insecurities in the driver’s seat. They believe that they have been acting out of love. But this kind of love is about them, not their partner. What they call love is really dependency. They are not holding their partner back for the good of their partner, they are holding their partner back because they want to make themselves happy. They want to fulfill an unmet need within themselves.

When individuals function from a place of dependency rather than mature love, they are usually trying to get a childhood need for security and nurturing met. As infants, we are totally dependent on our caretakers for all of our needs. If those needs are met, we are more likely to experience mutual love in adult relationships. If those needs are not met when we are young, we do not outgrow them. Instead, we unconsciously demand that these needs be met by our partners. When this happens, our partner’s needs are often ignored and the relationship becomes more about us than about them.

A healthy parent child relationship is very different from a healthy adult relationship. In a healthy parent child relationship, the parent is to meet the child’s needs, not the other way around (Note: meeting a child’s needs is not the same as spoiling a child). The relationship is not mutual. It is about the child.

A healthy adult relationship is about mutual sharing. The adult is not enmeshed, as an infant often is with their primary caretaker. The relationship consists of a delicate balance of closeness and separateness.

When you do something out of dependency, you do it for you. When you do something out of love, you do it for them.

Ron realized that it was his insecurities and dependency needs that kept him from allowing his wife to visit her sister. He also realized that if he really loved Sally, he needed to allow her the freedom to go. Reminding himself that Sally could both, love him and visit her sister, helped him better manage his insecure feelings.

Angie was able to ask herself, Will anything bad result from Ken going to a ballgame with his friends?  When she answered no to her own question, she was able to encourage Ken to go and have fun.

Ted finally realized that he could express his love by allowing Cindy to go to her book club. He was able to remind himself that part of loving Cindy was allowing her to pursue her own interests.

Separating dependency from love can be a very difficult thing to do. It requires the ability to dig deep and take an honest look at yourself. It requires that you challenge yourself and look at what really motivates your behavior. When you do something out of love, you do it for the benefit of the other, even when you have nothing to gain.

-It is then, that you have much to gain.

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Comments

  1. wordsfromanneli says

    It’s so important to be able to pursue our own interests alongside those we share with our partner. I can’t imagine being suffocated as in those instances you’ve given for your three example couples. Do people really put up with that?

    Reply

  2. Michael says

    Kristin, This is a very nice post. When I started reading this post, some opinion and personal experience were recalled. I wanted to share my insight. But, when I finished reading this post, Kristin, “I am sold.” Have a wonderful evening !!!

    Reply

    • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

      Your insight is always welcome on my blog, Michael. Varing opinions, circumstances, personal experiences, and cultures do come into play and are factors when interpreting the behaviors and motives of the characters in my examples. I am glad that you are “sold,” but would also respect your insight if it differed from mine. Thank you so much for always adding to my blog.

      Reply

  4. Shelly says

    Thanks for this post. I’ve been on both sides of that fence! Really ezxplains the motive of the ‘love’…is it for me or for him? If we put the other person first, we benefit as well.

    Reply

    • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

      Both sides of the fence- It is a fine balance, isn’t it? Putting the other person first without becoming a doormat yourself. Healthy relationships consist of mutual love and respect. Thank you for your comments, Shelly.

      Reply

    • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

      Yes, the lines can easily be blurred. I also think that you can really love someone and not know how to show it in a way that makes the other feel loved. But I will save that post for another time. Thank you for commenting. I hope that you have a great day!

      Reply

  7. Erin Elizabeth says

    Worth repeating again: “Separating dependency from love can be a very difficult thing to do. It requires the ability to dig deep and take an honest look at yourself. It requires that you challenge yourself and look at what really motivates your behavior. When you do something out of love, you do it for the benefit of the other, even when you have nothing to gain.”

    Reply

  8. John says

    Very thought-provoking article, Kristin, and a very good reminder! When we love another, we realize that they aren’t there to save us from ourselves and the world and keep us from feeling lonely, vulnerable, bored, anxious. When we love another, we want that person to grow and develop and mature psychologically and emotionally and spiritually and become the best version of themselves possible–and we want the same for ourselves as well. And this can’t happen in a relationship where one person is clingy and insecure and needs constant reassurance and soothing.

    I tend to suspect that dependency issues are really ever as “pure” as suggested in the scenarios in this post. I tend to think dependency issues are a bit more complex than this. There are also usually trust issues involved as well–some deserved and appropriate to one’s current partner; and others that are not due to one’s current partner, but instead are because of others in one’s past.

    I think that this part of your post is crucial–

    “Unless the visit to the sister, the ballgame, and the book club are destructive to the individual or the couple in some way, Ron, Angie, and Ted are operating with their insecurities in the driver’s seat. They believe that they have been acting out of love. But this kind of love is about them, not their partner. What they call love is really dependency. They are not holding their partner back for the good of their partner, they are holding their partner back because they want to make themselves happy. They want to fulfill an unmet need within themselves.”

    All of the hypothetical situations in the post could also be the result of numerous violations/abuses of trust in the relationship as well. And in those cases, as well, “insecurities” also would be running the show–but they would be insecurities that have been earned and that are completely reasonable–i.e. Sally, Ken, and Cindy have all cheated on their partner or on a past partner. In which case, Ron, Angie, and Ted, are not acting so unreasonably.

    And even if Ron, Angie, and Ted’s partners (current or past) have not cheated on them or anyone else), their dependency and insecurity may well have trust and fidelity issues at its heart or at least as a part of it.

    But the dependencies and insecurities that I think that you are trying to address in this post seem to be those that are not warranted or deserved. No abuses or violations of trust have occurred. At least not in the present relationship. Perhaps in past relationships. And or perhaps even in childhood from parental inconsistencies and acts of non-love. And that’s the problem–dependency, trust-issues, insecurity . . . these things are usually intertwined in some way. The bottom line is we are better able to trust our partner the more we are able to trust ourselves to be able to emotionally cope with whatever life (and others) may throw at us. If we are fairly well able to cope with a broad cross-section of life and life difficulties, then we will likely not be so clingy with our partner. But if we do not trust ourselves to be able to cope well with life–to take its hits, to deal with losses, to deal with much of the full catastrophe of living and loving–then we may reveal some very clingy behaviors (dependencies).

    So why are some people better able to deal/cope emotionally with a broad cross-section of life than others? That’s the question. Is it because of temperament and genetics? Upbringing and good parenting? Obviously both. There are so many factors involved. And that’s the point: There are so many factors involved in “dependency” and “trust” issues. But the bottom line is that those who can cope emotionally better with more and more of life and their own emotions are likely to be less dependent on their partners and naturally give their partners greater leeway to be themselves than those who are more afraid of life and their own emotions and reactions.

    Reply

  9. marneymcnall says

    Kristin, thank you for your excellent posts. I always get so much out of them. I have a friend going through this issue right now with her husband. So hard.

    Reply

  10. mindfulness4now says

    A wonderful article and any writing which leads to freeing an individual from these ties which bind them is great. Insight may lead to examining the journey of how they got to be like this and then further growth can occur. Meditation and mindfulness as you would know, are some great ways to practice a letting go of the thoughts and beliefs which bind and tie us down. Thankyu , regards Leanne

    Reply

  11. Nitin Vaghela says

    Love and dependency are as different as night and day. Although at times they may look and even feel the same, understanding the differance may be the only way to preserve self-esteem.

    Reply

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