Unexpressed and unresolved grief has a way of reappearing in the form of chronic anger and fits of rage.
Many times parents bring children and adolescents into my office hoping that I can help fix their child’s anger problem. As their story unfolds, so does the child’s history of great loss. Sometimes the child has endured an obvious loss, such as losing a loved one. But often the loss is less clear, but equally damaging.
There are many forms of loss- some not so obvious. Experiencing any type of abuse, whether it be physical, sexual, or emotional, involves loss. Witnessing domestic violence or living in a household with members who suffer from some form of addiction creates a feeling of loss. Feeling invalidated or emotionally abandoned also creates a feeling of being alone- another form of great loss. The list goes on…
Many times children are taught to be “emotionally strong” and hide their feelings of sadness. I see this in my office when the “angry child” finally begins to cry about the pain that is at the root of their anger. A mother may say in a frustrated and less than compassionate tone, “Why are you crying?” or “Stop that crying.” A father may say, “Suck it up.” Usually these are very loving and caring parents who are only teaching their children what they themselves were taught as a child. Be strong, hide the emotion, hide the family secret, and it will all just go away.
Many studies have shown that this is not true. Hidden emotions that are tucked away do not simply go away. They come back later in destructive ways. They rear their ugly head and say, “We are back.” This may be in the form of addiction, as an individual tries to numb out the feelings that just do not want to stay tucked away. It may be in the form of illness. “You may try to forget, but your stomach never forgets.” But the most common way suppressed emotion reappears is through chronic anger and fits of rage.
Behind the anger, lies the pain.
Parents- we can help our children with this. We can teach them how to identify their emotions, and we can teach them that it is okay to cry when they experience a loss. They will not cry forever. If they are able to grieve the loss and feel their feelings, they will eventually reach a place of peace and acceptance. By expressing their pain to compassionate others, the injury loses intensity and is less likely to be transformed into chronic anger. In the long run, they will be happier, healthier, and less likely to project their anger and pain onto everyone else.
We can look at this like paying dues upfront in exchange for long-term peace. Fully experiencing the profound pain and anger surrounding a loss is no fun at all. But if we allow ourselves and our children to go through this process, everyone involved will come out of it happier and better able to let in the goodness of life.
Remember it is never too late to grieve a loss. If we allow our children the freedom to grieve, they will become happier and healthier- better able to bounce back from future challenges that life may throw their way.
Related articles
- On Anger (simplespaces.wordpress.com)
- 6 Steps to Help Heal Your Inner Child (psychcentral.com)
- www.livestrong.com/article/135270-stages-grief-children/
Reblogged this on onbeingmindful and commented:
Sometimes it means listening to the hurting child within when we are adults…it’s ok to cry and grieve…to not always suck it up.
so very true…it is possible to heal the inner child but it would have been easier to feel the pain and experience the loss when I was a little girl. Thanks for this post…such important information for parents.
Shelly, I am glad that you have been doing the work to heal. Thank you for sharing this post. Warm Wishes.
As a victim of childhood sexual abuse, I wish you had been my counselor when it came time to deal with this……..this article is very well written. Question: looking at my grandson, I wonder if you could substitute allergies in place of anger in this article? Definitely going to follow your blog, what insight!
Thank you for your comments and for your courage to heal from childhood trauma. So many things could be substituted for anger in this article. When emotions go into hiding they can appear in so many different ways. I, however, am not familiar with the research on allergies or the history and symptoms of the child. Warm wishes to you and your grandson.
True. Letting go is essential for a happy & peaceful life.
Yes.
It breaks my heart to see children cry. Very good article, Kristin. I hope it reaches the people who need help with their kids.
Me too. Thank you, Anneli.
Kristen a very excellent article, as a mom if a child who was molested by a neighbor I wish you had been our counselor also. My son is a grown man, just planning his wedding, it took many years of help and prayer. He is happy and moving ahead.
Tina, I am so sorry. I am glad that your son is finally able to move ahead. These types of things are incredibly difficult on the victim and the parent who wishes that they could have prevented it. I am so happy that your son is doing well and getting ready to get married. People do heal with a lot of prayer, support, and education. Blessings to you and your son.
Thank you Kristin, even though this happened 24 years ago there are times that I feel so guilty as a parent who didn’t know what was happening to my child. The man threaten not only my child but a few other neighbor kids that he would harm their parents if they told. Most of these children did not make their victimization known until they were teens or older.
As I am sure you have heard 100 times or more, this man and his wife were wonderful neighbors and always helped us younger couples. Looking back now with all that I know about these types of people they were perfect at what they did and who they preyed upon.
Life is good, we are moving ahead each day! Thank you for caring.
Thank you for sharing, Tina. What a horrific thing to have to go through for you all. I am glad you are moving ahead and healing the best that you can.
I really agree and I feel, as adults, we all need to remember this for us too. We dont always need to be the ‘strong’ one. and strength isn’t judges on crying aways. Its getting to a diificut place, and once again get up and continuing again.
Yes. Alexa, I agree. Thank you for your comments.
This is so true, Great post!
Thank you for your comments!
Reblogged this on Nanny Naturale's Yogi Care and commented:
I love this article for so many reasons. I have seen what happens when the pain is stuffed down and then resurfaces as anger and rage, and I have seen what happens when it is released, as uncomfortable and nerve-wracking as it may feel, the end result of facing the pain and getting through it is a million times better than hiding, denying and trying to forget the pain.
I have also re-blogged this. This is so important to me. Releasing deep-down pain from my childhood completely changed me and has helped me to understand my parents, other children, my community and now my own children much better. I think it is so important to release our anger and fears, as adults and to allow children to do the same.
Yes. I agree with you. It is important. Thank you so much for sharing this on your blog. Take care.
My grandchildren are fortunate to have parents who follow this technique in dealing with the childrens loss of a close grandparent.
Thank you.