“I can’t believe your father did it again!” “This is just between me and you. Don’t share this with your mother.” “Your mother drives me crazy!”
Most parents complain about their partner to their child once in a while, and it often is not a big deal. However, if the complaining becomes habitual problems arise.
Many times in a couple relationship when communication breaks down, one of the individuals will go outside of the relationship to complain about their partner. This is often referred to as triangulation. Triangulation can be problematic- especially if the third-party is a child. The boundaries in the family become blurred. No longer are the parents a united front, pulling together to co-parent the child. The primary bond is now between the child and one of the parents, leaving the other parent out.
This confusion of boundaries within a family is a form of triangulation. Triangulation may provide temporary relief to one of the parents, but the conflict within the marriage is not resolved, and the left out parent becomes more isolated from the family. The parents, knowingly or unknowingly, have allowed the child to interrupt the intimacy within the marriage.
This is damaging to the child on multiple levels. The child is robbed of the opportunity to be a child- a child parented by two emotionally mature adults. Instead, the child is burdened with adult concerns surrounding his or her parent’s relationship. The child is also more likely to become estranged from the left out parent and the parent child bond severed.
This type of triangulation robs the child of the opportunity to observe healthy boundaries within the family. What has been modeled for the child is likely to be repeated, and he or she may eventually have a difficult time forming healthy adult relationships. This impacts future generations. Triangulation may decrease anxiety temporarily between the partners, but it also destroys the couple bond and undermines the independence of the child.
In healthy families, partners are able to communicate with each other and work out differences without bringing the child into their relationship problems. If the parents are having a difficult time resolving conflict, they take their problems to another adult for counsel- not their children.
Parents need to be there to meet the emotional needs of the child, not the other way around. Children who are put in a position to comfort and counsel their parents are less likely to go to them with their own difficulties. This puts the child at risk for a whole host of problems.
Children may think that they like the special bond that they share with just one parent. They may feel special thinking that they are more important than their other parent. But as they grow, they grow to resent the family dynamics. They often grow angry at one or both parents.
If you think that your family boundaries have become blurred, seek professional help to set things straight. You are worth it, your child is worth it, your family is worth it.
Reference
The Essentials of Family Therapy, Nicholas, Michael. Boston:Pearson, 2007.
So very true…because the scars of this type of relationship endure.
Yes.
YES!
yes.
Unfortunately I know people in this very situation. The children at first feel lost at first as they can’t choose between their parents. Then, if things escalate and the relationship breaks down they are compelled to make a choice. As you state, and as I have seen, they often end up hating the disconnected parent. This is what happens when egos take over, hurt becomes more important than heal – and it’s completely unnecessary. Trouble is, the parents so wrapped up in their drama can’t see the damage they are doing – they feel they have valid reasons to say and act the way they do. So many adults out there that haven’t actually grown up yet! How do we help?
Stuart, I think the answer is education. I counsel individuals and families in a private practice setting in the suburbs, and I also work in the inner city assessing children for mental health problems. Many people have no idea that their home environment is not healthy. Some people tell me that everything at home is fine (and believe it to be true) and minutes later tell me something that makes me want to fall out of my chair it is so horrific. They do not know what healthy looks like. When people don’t know that things need to change, there will be no change. Child development and parenting classes should be taught as early as high school. That might introduce some people to healthy family interaction. Just my opinion based on what I have seen.
That is one thing I can say that my children’s father and I never did to our children. Even when we separated and divorced we always kept negatives to ourselves. Today we all, including new spouses and extended children get along great, celebrating holidays together. I even hired my former husband’s step-daughter for a summer job. Parents do not realize what damage they can do when they behave as you described above. Great topic!
Tina- That is great! I love to hear this! Putting differences aside for the good of the children.
Really it is for the good of everyone 🙂
Well said. The couple have to understand the concept of marriage.
.In fact the wife and husband they appear always one for the other yet they are independent in personalities. They never feel lack of freedom but tie themselves as their responsibility. They individually safe guarding their self interest takes responsibility. That is, one’s own ideas and aspirations they share each other in lieu of otherwise. With all these aspirations, family ties, athmeeyathas the wife and husband travels in their life journey as one for the other. True to one self as individuals and true to one selves as couple.
The parents have to safe guard their interests in bringing forth the children for smooth atmosphere.
Yes. Thank you for your insight, Ivsrao.
Well said…
Thanks 🙂
great post. I am one of those children (now grown) and the scars do endure. Luckily, my education in school and in therapy have been such that I am breaking the cycle with my own family/children.
I admire your courage. Generations will benefit from all of the hard work you have done. All the best to you, Kristin
Your style is unique in comparison to other folks I’ve read stuff from. Thank you for posting when you’ve got
the opportunity, Guess I will just bookmark this site.
Hi Jasmin,
Thank you for your comments. I am so glad that you decided to bookmark the site. I have got some posts that I think you will enjoy coming soon. I hope that you have a great day!
Warmly, Kristin
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I’ll appreciate if you continue this in future. Lots of people will be benefited from your writing. Cheers!
I am so glad that you found Let Life in Practices. Thank you for the kind words of encouragement. I plan to continue to write. It is my passion to inspire others. Have a great day. Kristin