The Snowball Effect

Kristin Cuthriel

Radical Acceptance

49 Comments

Freedom
Freedom (Photo credit: Josef Grunig)

Many of us spend our lives wishing for something that just isn’t. We want to change the past. We want to change another person. We get so caught up in wishing things were different, that we have no energy left to change the things that we can. When our thoughts are consumed with “why me” or “life is so unfair” we stay stuck and miss out on “what is” and “what can be.”

Marsha Linehan, founder of dialectical behavior therapy, uses radical acceptance to help herself and her clients. Radical acceptance is an acceptance that comes from deep within and is free of judgement. It is not saying that something is good or bad, it is saying it just is. When you radically accept something, you stop complaining about it and start doing something to improve your life. Linehan uses the purple room as an example.

“Imagine that you hate the color purple. Then imagine that you move to a house where your room is purple. If you refuse to accept that the room is purple, you will never paint it a color that you want. Fighting reality causes suffering. (I hate this room) Sometimes people get so caught up in hate that they don’t change things. First accept the purpleness of the room, and then paint it.”

After my dad’s friend, Skip Wilkins, became paralyzed in a water skiing accident, he went on to become an author, an international motivational speaker, and a gold metalist in wheelchair sports. Without radical acceptance, he would not have been able to accomplish any of those things. He could have very easily spent his life thinking about what his life could have been and how much easier others have it.

Whether the challenge is small or massive, radical acceptance can help us move forward in life. It is the path to resolution, and it is the path to healing. It is about saying, “Here is where I am. Now what can I do moving forward?”

Whether it is a death, a break up, a disease, or a difficult boss, “why me” and “look how good other people have it” will keep you miserable and keep you stuck. It is growing from where you land that elevates you to a level you never thought possible.

Comments

  7. wordsfromanneli says

    I think all of us have to accept some things that don’t fit our vision of perfection. And yes, it makes us happier to accept what we can’t change. There are plenty of achievable goals to focus on.

    Reply

  8. John says

    “Acceptance”—the way it is often used—positively baffles me.

    To me, “acceptance” connotes coming to terms with something, in particular, coming to live with something on its terms (instead of our terms), just the way it is, and not desiring to change it, a la “The Serenity Prayer” (“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change / The courage to change the things I can / And wisdom to know the difference”) or the fifth of Kübler-Ross’s five stages of death and dying. Once I accept that I cannot change something—once I give up the fight against something bigger and stronger than myself—then I relax, my attitude changes, some sort of inner peace and calm and tranquility arises.

    In other words, and in terms of the purple room, acceptance means I become OK with the purple-ness of the room and I no longer desire to change or repaint it, instead I become like Prince (or TAFCAP), and I come to accept (be okay with) and possibly even enjoy the purple majesty of my room. Instead of purple being a negative thing, it has become a neutral thing, and possibly even a slightly positive thing.

    What Linehan seems to be talking about here (“If you refuse to accept that the room is purple, you will never paint it a color that you want.”) is acknowledgment, not acceptance. In what Kübler-Ross is talking about, the opposite of denial is acknowledgement and then acceptance. In what Linehan is talking about is “acknowledging” something—and not even the purple-ness of the room necessarily, but rather one’s disdain for any and all things purple. If I unconsciously become so irritated and agitated and grumpy every time I see purple that I get locked into a fog of anger and meanness, and I don’t know why this is happening, then I need to start becoming more aware of what is setting me off or triggering me. Once I become aware of my triggers, then I can start to do something about them—either remove the triggers from my surroundings (repaint the purple room yellow or white or black [great Stones’ song, btw!]), or get to work on seeing purple in a different way and working on my attitude and my perception.

    But when I read this—“ Sometimes people get so caught up in hate that they don’t change things. First accept the purpleness of the room, and then paint it.”—this doesn’t make sense to me logically or linguistically. First accept that you don’t like the color purple, then realize (not accept) or acknowledge that you are living in a purple room and that ticks you off, then either move or repaint it or change your attitude. That makes sense linguistically and logically to me.

    Your post, Kristin, aside from use of the term “radical acceptance” makes perfect sense. When something radical happens to us or befalls us—when some calamity or major life change occurs—we can either fall into laments of “why me?” and “life is so unfair,” or we can get to work adjusting to the new rules and limitations we have, begin adjusting and or recalibrating our attitude and expectations (“what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger”), learning / developing new (and perhaps compensating) life skills (the saying when one door closes, another door opens; we can try to see what new door or doors may have opened), or in the case of terminal diagnosis, we can begin putting our house in order.

    I just think there has to be a better and more accurate term than “acceptance,” though what so many people long for deep down is acceptance, belonging, love, so calling something that isn’t that that may actually in some way help people even though it confuses me and even though it seems to be muddying the meaning of the word “acceptance.”

    What do you think? Maybe you can help me in my confusion. Because this isn’t the first time I’ve come across this. Elsewhere I saw self-love and self-acceptance being used, and it became clear to me that perhaps a more accurate way of conceptualizing what was being discussed was “self-compassion” or “self-kindness.”

    Just my thoughts and opinions upon reading your post, Kristin.

    Kindest regards as always,

    John

    Reply

    • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

      John, You have brought up some great points here. I conceptualize acceptance as coming to terms with something that is beyond our control to change. In Linehan’s example, the room could be repainted. Acknowledge may have been a better term for the purple room example. I am going to go back and look at Linehan’s work. Much to think about, John. Thank you for stretching my brain this evening. 🙂

      Reply

    • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

      An additional thought- Acceptance as in the 5 stages of loss and in “The Serenity Prayer” focuses on accepting a situation. Linehan focuses on the situation, but she really zeros in on accepting emotions that come and go. She teaches to accept emotions without becoming overly attached to them or pushing them away. It just is. Instead of saying “I shouldn’t be angry or scared,” she teaches to accept or acknowledge the feeling without judging it. She teaches skills to “surf the urge.” Meaning accept that the feeling is there, without reacting in a destructive emotionally charged way. Linehan focuses on mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness. The argument that this is acknowledging not accepting the uncomfortable emotion can still be made. As far as the purple room goes, I can now think of more appropriate examples. Thank you for stretching my mind a bit.

      Reply

  10. Yahobahne says

    I guess I’ve come to grips with the most recent radical acceptance in my life. After graduating last year with my BS in Social Sciences, I matriculated to and had been accepted in a prestigious university. Several days before starting my first intern semester, I had visited the associate dean. We spoke about various issues including where I’d be carrying out and complete my internship. Then, I became ill. I was devastated to say the least, but subsequently embraced the radical acceptance. Now, I’m blogging and have become an aspired nonfiction writer.
    Thank you for this informative and right to the point passage.

    Reply

    • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

      Noel, Thank you so much for sharing my post with your readers. Great question! I think radical acceptance can play a significant role in letting go. Sometimes it is difficult to left something go until you accept it. 🙂 (That doesn’t mean you have to like it.)

      Reply

  16. Lady Gwendolynn says

    This actually made me think of L.O.A. (Law of Attraction) today. If you keep dwelling on the past or how things “Could have”, “Would have”, or “Should have” you will never get anywhere with your life until you start to learn to live in the present and make the best/most of your circumstances. 🙂 Good share!

    Reply

  18. Todd Lohenry says

    This post got me started on a journey that has taken me to Tara Brach’s book “Radical Acceptance”. I am in the middle of it now and I highly recommend both the book and her podcast of meditations that can be found at tarabrach.com…

    Reply

  20. Katherine Gordy Levine says

    I think the example of the mother and child separated in different parts of their basement following the collapse of their house, is a better example. Thinking something could be down the mother, who cannot move, tries to get her child to come to here, but the child is also trapped by falling debris. Only when she sees and accepts this reality, can to mother “improve the moment; a key Linehan strategy.

    I am a Linhean fan and was accused of stealing her concepts for my Emotional Fitness Training programs. Didn’t but after attending a training with her, discovered why I was thought a thief. My target audience remains focused on the worried well, not the seriously mentally stressed.

    Thank you for this.I pinned it and posted in on Facebook.

    Reply

  21. fgassette says

    A powerful article. My brother passed away on October 31, 2012. I did not find out until his wife passed away on Dec. 19, 2012 when I was notified by the Arizona police department. I went from shock, to anger and then acceptance. All my brother’s adult life he stayed away from his family. He didn’t keep in touch with his son for 26 years. I had long ago accepted my brother for who he was. I didn’t understand him, but I tried not to judge him. I tried to keep in touch with him and when he moved out to Arizona, I flew out there knowing that it might be the last time I saw him. His wife was the same way about family ties and she left a letter that I was not to be told of my brother’s death until after he died. Who does that! Often we don’t understand the why’s of a situation and in order to move forward, acceptance is the only course. It’s like forgiveness. If you harbor unforgiveness you are more damaged than the one who needs to be forgiven. Thanks for sharing this subject.
    BE ENCOURAGED! BE BLESSED!

    Reply

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