Do you have a critical parent? Have you gone to great lengths to earn their acceptance, only to feel like you still aren’t good enough?
If you answered yes to these questions, you are not alone.
Samantha came into my office once again upset about some critical remark her mother had made just the night before at a family dinner. Sure, Samantha was used to the criticism, she had been hearing it for twenty-five years. Yet, somehow the pain of it had not lessened and continued to leave Samantha with a “I’m not good enough” feeling deep inside. And again, Samantha wanted our therapy session to focus on her mother’s change. To her, things would be alright once her mother became more tolerant and accepting.
Many adults like Samantha, still believe that their happiness is tied to their parent’s approval. So they wait and they wait for something that may never come.
If you can relate to Samantha, maybe it’s time you stop trying to get a parent to change and accept yourself with or without their approval. Below you will find tips to help you deal with a critical parent and find more joy in life.
Dealing With a Critical Parent
- Accept that you are in charge of your happiness. Know that you have no control over your parent and that they may never change. Rather than focusing on the things you can’t control, concentrate on the things you can.
- Understand that their criticism is about them not you. People who feel good about themselves don’t spend a lot of time criticizing others. Happy people who like themselves lift other people up with words of praise and encouragement. Know that the problem is rooted in your parent’s own self-contempt. Before they can show you compassion, they must learn how to accept and love themselves.
- Know that your parent views you as an extension of themselves. They cut you down in much the same way that they cut themselves down without stopping to think about you as a separate person with separate feelings.
- Look at the situation through the eyes of an adult. When you were a child, you thought your parent knew it all. You thought their opinion was the “right” opinion. Now you are older and it is helpful to remind yourself that your parent’s opinion is just that, their opinion. Just because they say it, does not make it automatically accurate.
- Remember that your parent loves you. Even the most critical parent loves their child. Like I mentioned above, their criticism has a lot more to do with them than you.
- Be assertive. When your parent criticizes you, don’t become defensive and make excuses for who you are or what you are doing. Simply say, “I don’t appreciate that.” Yes, your parent will probably respond to this in a critical way, but you are saying it for you, not them. Letting them know that they have crossed the line of common decency decreases the chance of you becoming explosive or depressed. It also reduces the risk of emotional cut-off (cutting a parent out of your life) and decreases the chances of you projecting your anger onto an undeserving other (like a child or a spouse).
- Take the high road. Although your parent may have a hard time with empathy, you can get in touch with your own compassion- compassion towards yourself and compassion towards the one who hurts you. When you are criticized, think to yourself, “I am so glad that I am not that miserable. It must be awful.” Have empathy for the parent who puts you down.
- Use a teflon mind. Just like a teflon pan ( a nonstick pan) lets things slide right off, you too can practice letting criticism slide right off. You do not have to let it stick. The criticism is really a reflection of the one delivering it. Don’t let it stick to you.
- Balance positive and negative energy. Make sure you spend as much or more time with people who pump you up and inspire you. The balance will bring you great peace and joy.
- Read The Serenity Prayer often. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
Taking the criticism personally, constantly seeking approval, and hoping the parent will change will often rob you of your joy. Instead work on acceptance- accepting yourself and accepting the critical parent. You do not need to accept the negative things that they say in order to accept that they love you anyway.
For more tips and stories to help you get unstuck and get your life moving in a positive direction, check out…
The Snowball Effect: How to Build Positive Momentum in Your Life
Now available on amazon.com and barnesandnoble.com
“The Snowball Effect offers a unique perspective on what it takes to move forward through life in the most productive and positive way.” –Chrisanna Northrup, New York Times bestseller, author of The Normal Bar
“I highly recommend this book for anyone trying to overcome adversity and move forward in life, stop explosive reactions, be less critical of themselves, and stop holding on to the past. The lessons provide specific and precise tools for people wanting to clear out the negative and learn to focus on the positive gifts in life. Clinicians should recommend this book to their patients or anyone who wants to embrace as much joy from life as they can. I am delighted to have read this book.” –Marney A. White, PhD, MS, Associate Professor of Psychiatry, Yale University School of Medicine
I am 64 & my mother 87. She is still judgemental & critizes me Lways. She is in excellent health & lives alone. I have struggled with self esteem all my life. Add to that, my step father was an abusive alcoholic. I suffer from depression & struggle many days. I have stood up to her but she doesn’t get it or thinks that she is helping. I am also very overweight. Any suggestions?
IVe felt with a critical mother my entire life. I’ve distanced myself from her enough to grow emotionally But now she is older and dealing with her last years possibly months and I am trying to be with her and assist in her needs. Wow does she make it hard. I came across your article and it has helped in many ways. I plan on purchasing the book as soon as I finish writing this. Thanks for helping me help my mom and keep my sanity ?
You are so welcome, Kelly. Critical people are most critical of themselves on a very deep level. They are usually unaware of how unhappy they are with themselves and project all of their self-contempt and insecurity onto others (especially their daughters). As hard as it may be, try not to take it personally. Critical people need so much love, they just act in ways that make them difficult to love. I hope you sleep well at night knowing you are doing what you believe is right- no matter how difficult. My thoughts are with you. Happy New Year!
Oh my goodness!
I live with my grandmother and she is as critical of me as she was of my mother. No effort of yours is ever good enough and any attempt to try something different or be different is always countered by some negative speech. I accepted long ago that this is the way she will always be and it’s in her nature to be rigid and critical. I think if you seek approval from these people you will always feel down about yourself. It’s better to live out your life whether they have something to say or not. I pity this characteristic in people and truly believe it’s never about you.
I live with my mom and my brother and they are think they know everything and don’t hear what i have to say, also they don’t think i am responsible. They think that video games are cause of my problem because i played too much which it isn’t true because i played around 1-3 hours of video games per day which is the same amount that everyone plays per day. I am not sure what do to now 🙁 .
I love my parents dearly, but they are very critical in ways that I can’t do anything without their permission. This has been going on since I started earning a paycheck. I’ve heard too many “don’t do this or that”, ” don’t buy this or that “. Things of that nature. I had a very struggling work life earlier and wanted change, but seeing that my parents were good friends with the employer, I stayed and found that I was being paid pennies, literally. I couldn’t sue the employer and stayed with them until technology shut them down. Things escalated after that too. I feel that I’ve been emotionally abused long enough that I feel like retiring early. Any comments? Thanks.
If you decide you do not want to retire early, there are many people out there that are not emotional abusers. You may want to consult a therapist, life coach, or a job coach- someone outside of the family may be able to help you in a more objective way.
I’m dealing with a controlling mother. I’m 64 and still afraid
how do I cope with a mother who I feel controls me
I have been to councellers, psychatrists, mental health groups but I cant stand up to my mother
Recommended reading
The Snowball Effect: How to Build Positive Momentum in Your Life
Boundaries
Healing the Shame That Binds You
(And anything on assertiveness or the adult child)
Hope this help.
could somebody contact me
Yes
This was a great article. I wish I could totally end the relationship I have with my father. He’s 81 and as mean as nasty as ever. I want emotional cut off, in fact, I only pretend with him anyway, there is not and has never been an emotional connection. Why can’t I just walk away? I’m not sure. I know that there will be tremendous relief when he is finally dead. I don’t have much to do with him and live in a different city but even a phone conversation makes me so angry. I’ll have to put more distance maybe and talk less. More emotional cut off
Hi Sharon,
I recommend you work on healing yourself so that you can let go of the resentment and be free. There are some good tips in the first chapter of my book. The chapter is called Letting Go of Resentment and the book is The Snowball Effect: How to Build Positive Momentum in Your Life. I am glad you liked the article. I think the book will really help. Bitterness and resentment steal your joy and happiness from those trying to love you.
My mother always wants me to behave according to her will. She will find faults in small things and start nagging on it for hours. Like if i am just taking a nap,she will come and first will order me to get up. If i refused she will try to physically force me to get up. If i still don’t get up she will start nagging me until i do exactly what she says.Sometimes she nags for hours and curse me that i cannot progress in my life. Living with her has been like living in hell. I am 24 . My mother is 60. I want to take care of my parents during their old age. But sometimes i feel getting away from them will be better for everybody. My father keep quiets when my mother does all this things,if anybody can stop her and make her realize her mistake it’s him.But he don’t want to stop her. Living with her has changed by way at looking at a woman. I don’t know if i can ever trust a woman in my life.
I really encourage you to read my book, The Snowball Effect: How to Build Positive Momentum in Your Life. It is available on Amazon. I really think it will help you.