“Good fences make good neighbors” Robert Frost
Boundaries are those invisible lines that separate you from other people. When children grow up in families that practice healthy boundaries, these boundaries are typically passed down through generations. The same is true when individuals are raised in dysfunctional families that have no sense of healthy boundaries. These poor boundaries, too, are often passed down the generational line.
Poor boundaries are usually too rigid or too loose. Like a concrete wall, rigid boundaries keep people out. When a person is closed off with rigid boundaries, they do not allow themselves to become vulnerable, which makes true intimacy impossible.
People with loose boundaries have little fence or no fence at all. The separation between self and others is blurred. Individuals with loose boundaries do not have a clear sense of self. These people trust easily, disclose too much, have a difficult time setting limits, and often become enmeshed with others.
Healthy relationships require healthy boundaries. If you are aware that your personal boundaries are either too loose or too rigid, you can learn healthy boundaries.
The first step to change is recognizing that change is needed. What you do not acknowledge, you do not change.
What is a healthy boundary? Take a look.
People with healthy boundaries:
know what they will and will not do.
know what they will and will not tolerate from others.
are able to be close to someone without becoming enmeshed or engulfed.
have well-defined limits.
are not possessive of their friends.
know how to say no.
have balanced friendships rather than one-way friendships.
know when to self-disclose and when to withhold information.
know that the amount of self-disclosure, depends on the relationship. (What is appropriate to share in one relationship, may not be appropriate in another.)
do not allow themselves to be abused.
do not rely on children to meet their physical or emotional intimacy needs.
are able to trust without trusting too easily.
are able to respect the privacy of others.
are able to view their partner and their children separate from themselves, with different needs and opinions.
do not push affection on others.
respect the personal space of others.
speak up when someone crosses the line of common decency.
respect another’s right to say “no.”
are able to be vulnerable within their marriage.
If your boundaries were violated when you were young, causing you to have poorly defined boundaries now, please consider working on this with a mental health professional. You are worth it! Your children are worth it! Your grandchildren are worth it!
Related articles
- Fear of Intimacy (letlifeinpractices.com)
- Emotional Maturity, Boundaries and Why Most of the People You Know Aren’t Actually Adults (goodmenproject.com)
- “Yes” Doesn’t Count if you can’t say “No” – Why Clear Boundaries are Important in Intimate Relationships (psychologytoday.com)
- Boundaries (teristeel.com)
- Why Saying No in Your Relationship Is a Good Thing (psychcentral.com)
- How to Build Beautiful Boundaries (powerofslow.wordpress.com)
- A Better Way (toddlohenry.com)
- The Benefits of Establishing Boundaries (rhachellenicol.com)
- How To Teach Children The Benefits Of Developing Healthy Relationships (howtolearn.com)
Very well said. We must have had like minds because I wrote about the same thing for today. Yours is more thorough though so I linked your post 🙂
I really enjoyed reading your post. We were on the same page today. I look forward to reading more of your posts.
Very thought-provoking post. Thanks for taking the time for this checklist; it’s a useful mirror to hold up and reflect where we have been, where we are, and where we’d like to go! Z
Well said. I agree. Thank you for commenting.
Hi Kristin, great post as boundaries are so important. In my medical practice we have discussed boundaries in our meetings regarding coworkers and addressing working within our boundaries and not stepping outside of them. We work with each other more hours than we are awake at home with our family, so understanding each others boundaries is very important. Have a wonderful Monday.
Tina, Thank you for your comments. Healthy boundaries are important in so many areas of our lives- including the work place. I agree with you! Thank you so much for adding your insight. I hope that you had a terrific day!
Hi Kristin, you are very welcome, I enjoy your posts and I did have a great day!
Thanks
What excellent reminders of good paths to follow.
Thank you, Anneli.
I loved this enough to swipe it for my blog. Thanks!!!
I appreciate you sharing it with your readers. Thank you!
Excellent post! Healthy boundaries are such an important part of self-compassion and a necessity for happy interpersonal relationships. I love the way you clarified exactly what healthy boundaries look like. Thanks for sharing this wise and insightful advice! S
You are welcome. Thank you for reading and commenting, Sloan.
As one who had very rigid boundaries when I was young and then very loose boundaries in recent years when hypomanic, it’s nice to be able to experience what healthy boundaries are now that I’m mostly stable and emotionally healthy. Thanks for the explanation and checklist!
Boundaries are very difficult for individuals in a manic or hypomanic state. I am so glad that your health has improved. Thank you so much for sharing, Shelly. I always enjoy your comments.
I need to plaster this list on my wall! Engrave it on my heart maybe?! You’re posts are so inspiring! I just nominated you for the LIEBSTER AWARD! Go check out the details here –> http://bit.ly/NEFxXU
Thank you, Leigh.
Leigh, I am getting ready to go to your site. Thank you so much for the nomination. It is greatly appreciated. I am glad that you find my blog inspiring. Have a terrific day!
Great piece; shared on Facebook!
Thank you, Pamela. Also, thank you for sharing on facebook. Healthy boundaries are so important. Too many times, people violate the boundaries of another without having any idea that a boundary has been crossed. Have a great day!
I believe that children who understand healthy boundaries will be safer, when challenged by situations in which they make good choices, as they grow up. We talk about boundaries
In my safety school seminars……I even physically show them the idea of boundaries to back up theoretical position.
Thank you Kristin
I agree with you. Boundaries are a safety issue. When children are not taught healthy boundaries, they become much more vulnerable to a host of dangerous things. They often do not know when it is appropriate to say no to adults and when it is not. Thank you for adding to my blog, Melinda.
I nominated you for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award! Congratulations! You can read motre about it at faithrises.com. 🙂
Thank you so much for the nomination! I am looking forward to checking out faithrises.
Thank you, Todd!
Thank you for mentioning my post!