Written by Kristin Barton Cuthriell, M.Ed., MSW, LCSW
How do you handle distress? Do you remain in control, or do you react in destructive ways? Your emotions are valid; but you, and only you, are responsible for your reactions. No one made you do it.
When you become angry, lonely, frustrated, impatient, or hurt, do you have a pattern of acting out in a way that usually results in regret?
Many people do not differentiate between emotion and action. For them, they are both part of the same package. When I feel A; B happens. They feel as if their emotions control their actions. By thinking about emotion in this way, they have given their power away and have surrendered all control.
Being able to better regulate emotion and separate the feeling from the reaction takes practice. Marsha Linehan, founder of Dialectical Behavior Therapy, created skills that have proven to be effective in this area. Take a look.
Practice being mindful of your current emotion without reacting
- Identify how you are feeling
- Observe what you are feeling
- Describe what you are feeling without using judgement
Practice opposite to emotion action
- You feel like yelling, so you lower your voice
- Your every impulse wants to lash out and hit someone, so you walk away.
- You feel self-destructive, so you pray, exercise, or ask for help.
Practice self-validation
- Tell yourself that it is okay to feel the way that you feel. Remember that it is the reaction, not the emotion, that often gets you into trouble.
Practice letting the event go
- Sometimes you need to act as if you are a teflon pan and allow the event to slip right off of you. Don’t attach to it. The problem may belong to the other person; you do not have to make it your own. For example, someone cuts you off in traffic or refuses to let you in the right lane as you approach your exit. You do not have to choose to make it your problem. You can let it slip off of you and go about your day, or you can choose to react. Note that once you react, you may then really have a problem. Do you really want to give that much control to the person who cut you off? Are you going to allow them to ruin your day, because it is not them that will ruin your day? It is you, if you decide to attach to the event or to your temporary emotion.
Distract
- Find ways to distract yourself until you feel better. The more you think about an upsetting event, the bigger it becomes.
Ride the wave of emotion
- You will not feel like this forever. Your short-term fix, may create long-term problems.
Reduce your vulnerability: You will be less likely to react in an explosive way if you practice basic self-care.
- Treat physical illness: Take medications as prescribed and make doctor’s appointments.
- Eating: Eating too little or too much makes you more vulnerable to explosion.
- Avoid mind altering drugs: When using alcohol or nonprescription drugs, you have surrendered all control and handed it over to the substance.
- Sleep: Too little or too much sleep will increase irritability which makes you more vulnerable to emotional upset.
- Exercise: Get at least twenty minutes each day. You will be able to let things go much easier if you consistently exercise.
- Set and achieve small goals so that you feel a sense of accomplishment. Feeling competent reduces vulnerability.
For these skills to be effective, they must be practiced over and over again. Throughout the process, celebrate times when you are able to observe and describe an emotion nonjudgmentally without acting on it in a harmful way. Celebrate progress, not perfection, and you will get there.
A client once said, “My emotions don’t have arms, legs, or a mouth; they do not get me into trouble, it is my reactions that do that.”
*Dialectical Behavior Therapy consists of four modules; mindfulness, emotional regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness. While it is an evidence based practice for the treatment of borderline personality disorder, you do not have to carry that diagnosis in order to benefit from DBT. It has shown to be effective in treating individuals who have poor impulse control, low distress tolerance, and poor interpersonal relationship skills. DBT skills are also taught in many anger management programs. DBT is a form of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.
I’m on the autistic spectrum and generally suffer a meltdown if I become distressed or overwhelmed in any way. Fortunately my husband and I have learned to identify some of my triggers and recognise some of the signs; he’s very good at preventing a bad situation from becoming worse and always reassures me that it’s not my fault.
Your husband sounds like a wonderful man. For many people on the autistic spectrum, emotional regulation can be very difficult. I work with individuals on the spectrum that are hyper sensitive to sensory input through hearing, touch, and vision. Many of these individuals have little tolerance for loud noises, visual stimulation, and certain textures. This sensitivity and intolerance is not their fault. They are learning to identify triggers and find healthy ways to reduce vulnerability to meltdowns. It sounds like you and your husband are doing a fantastic job. Thank you for sharing. Have a terrific day!
Reblogged this on Todd's Perspective and commented:
Well said, Kristin. While life and people may be unmanageable and control may be an illusion, we can never relinquish our power over our own responses. Thanks for providing such a great list of tactics and tools for retaining power…
Todd, thank you so much for your comments and for reblogging this post.
Excellent post. Emotion regulation is number 1 in my therapy routine as well. With Bipolar and Borderline… my emotions seem to always be on what extreme or the other. DBT has helped a lot.
I also like the comment about Autism. I have a high functioning son on the spectrum and he is a highly emotional little guy. He has a hard time regulating his emotions and will swing into a bad mood simply because he is “tired of taking pictures” or something simple like that. I have to pay attention to when he gets agitated and take the cues to try to prevent any meltdowns. He is remarkable and I learn so much from him.
Thank you so much for your comments. Many people carry both a Bipolar and Borderline diagnosis and have a difficult time regulating emotions effectively. DBT has proven to be an effective treatment. Your son sounds like a neat young man. Children do teach us so much.
Very good advice. Thanks for posting this.
Thank you, Anneli. Enjoy your Sunday.
Wow awesome post Kristin ….This problem being so wide spread is so hard to get away from . I to have this affliction as I’m trying daily to change these emotional events . The hardest part of this for me is the people I was surrounded by , I have learned most had to go as the were toxic to my own emotional control . I do thank you for sharing , as your ideas are fantastic
fellow blogger Tim .
Thank you, Tim. Finding ways to reduce emotional vulnerability is critical. Practicing how we will react when going into emotionally intense situations can also be helpful. Thought out actions are always more productive than knee-jerk reactions. If caught off guard in an intense situation, pay attention to your body sensations (physical sensations). Your body knows when emotional eruption is near. Most of the time it is better to walk away at this point to avoid reacting in the heat of the moment. This is not avoiding; it is composing.
I just bookmarked this page so I can read this the next time I feel really p.o.’d, or when I am super frustrated.
Erin Elizabeth, I am glad that you found it useful. The skills really do work, if practiced. Thank you for commenting and following my blog.
Some great tips here. I like the part where you talk about road rage and how it’s your choice to react to someone cutting you off. I think this is a concept that more people need to understand. I can’t help but laugh when I see someone frantically weaving through traffic and then meet them at the next stoplight.
Yes, so true. We all need to remember that when someone cuts us off on the road, whatever is going on belongs to them. We really don’t have to make it our problem. Thank you for your comments.
Reblogged this on little box of books.
Thank you for the reblog, Liz. Have a terrific Monday.
I could have used this advice two days ago. 🙂
Next time, Rick. The skills take practice. It takes time to undo old patterns of behavior. Thanks for commenting. Have a great day.
This is a great post! It’s helpful not only for me, but I think it can help me in how I approach guiding both of my children who have trouble with emotional regulation.
Thank you. The skills take practice, but they do work. Identifying emotional triggers, practicing how to respond to those triggers, and reducing vulnerability are so important.
Reblogged this on Dare2beher's Blog and commented:
Very good post with a lot of advices!
Thank you, and thank you for the reblog:)
I use exercise daily to de-stress and get rid of any tension. Definitely helps me to cope in a pressured environment.
Exercise helps me too. Thank you for your comments. Have a great day!
Hello, Kristin! Congratulations, you received The Versatile Blogger Award. Here is the link to my blog, please take a look: http://wordsfromanneli.wordpress.com/
Anneli, I am extremely grateful! Thank you so much. I will click on over to your site. Have a wonderful Wednesday!
Ok – almost 2 hours later and I’m still hear ! Really great reading Kristen ! I’m impressed and so glad you shared ! Will check back in a few days ……
Very solid and informative post, Kristin. But here’s the thing, I don’t know if my own emotions or feelings are valid. Just because I’m feeling something doesn’t mean it’s accurate or warranted. I look at emotions and feelings as being a thin-sliced version of reality–they give us a quick cursory read of a situation. Sometimes that read is helpful and fairly accurate; other times it’s not very helpful or accurate.
“My emotions don’t have arms, legs, or a mouth; they do not get me into trouble, it is my reactions that do that.” What a super way of phrasing that!
“You will not feel like this forever. Your short-term fix, may create long-term problems.” More wonderful advice. This too shall pass is a great slogan or mantra to say to oneself whenever things get heated.
And most of all, Kristin, your post highlights something that is soooo important. That it’s what we do in the periods of relative calm in between the emotional storms (or even the hits and blows that life gives us) that makes all the difference. Are we spending our down time anesthetizing and distracting and dissipating ourselves? Or are we putting that time (at least some of it) to good use? Are we spending that time (at least some of it) learning, thinking, working on our thinking and our way of perceiving, reading books and blogs of substance and depth and wisdom (in other words, developing our neocortex). The best way of getting our reactions in check is to elevate the level of our thinking. We all come into this world as highly reactive and emotional creatures. Thinking (critical thinking) and reasoning and self-awareness and mindfulness are all things that come later, capacities that have to be stoked and stimulated and encouraged and nurtured if they are to develop and operate well. If they aren’t nurtured and taught, then they tend not to develop, or if they do, they tend to develop in a very skewed and chaotic way. Reading (decent books), writing, thinking, reflecting, taking a philosophy/logic course, taking psychology courses, going to therapy, can all be powerful ways of helping to encourage the birth and growth of reason and conscience within us.
Thank you for the very thought-provoking post, Kristin!
Kindest regards,
John
Fabulous fabulous post. I love the reference also to the help of mindfulness, feeling the emotion, sitting with it, but not attaching to it. Let go don’t attach, don’t judge the emotion but own ur response. I remember a lovely thing I read in my meditation readings…if the emotion comes just watch it float away like a leaf down the river….don’t try and grab it out of the water (ie attach and then react) Tks and regards Leanne
Mindfulness is so important! Thank you for your kind words.
Reblogged this on "You Know You're Borderline When…" and commented:
Kristin’s blog is well worth a look.
Reblogged this on Finding My Way Back.
Sierra, Thank you so much for sharing my post with your readers. Have a great evening!
Reblogged this on Josh in borderline land.
Josh, Thank you for sharing my post with your readers. I hope that it helps. 🙂
Amazing post! Thought-provoking indeed! Thank you, Kristin!
I hope it was helpful. Thank you so much for reading and commenting on the post. Have a terrific day! Sometimes we just need to observe our emotions rather than act on them.
Hi Kristin, I haven’t been around reading much of late but I always come straight back to you after a break. Your posts are so helpful, well written and applicable across so many issues we all face today. I thank God that you keep sharing your experience, your research, your wisdom and your heart with us. Blessings to you!
Your words touch me. Thank you for the sweet sweet comments. xo