We are often our own worst enemy.
We often consciously or unconsciously sabotage ourselves because we do not think that we deserve to be successful in life. We may have made mistakes in the past that we have been unable or unwilling to forgive.
We may self-sabotage by habitually selling ourselves short, thinking that our goals and dreams are unreachable. We may discount our own internal resources and deny our own personal strengths. We may unconsciously sabotage situations and relationships that are really good for us.
There are many different ways in which we can self-sabotage. ADDICTION… CODEPENDENCY… ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS… PROCRASTINATION.. .EXCUSES… DEFEATING SELF-TALK… PASSIVITY… AGGRESSION… RATIONALIZATION… RISKY IMPULSIVE BEHAVIORS… RESISTANCE TO CHANGE… and the list goes on.
Self-sabotaging behaviors are at the tip of an iceberg- an iceberg of shame. Internal shame is at the root of these self-defeating behaviors. We think we are undeserving, and therefore act in ways that create more shame, making us feel that much more unworthy.
Shame leads to sabotaging ourselves and sabotaging ourselves leads to more shame.
To break free of this vicious cycle, we must ACT as though we are worthy. We can start by asking ourselves, “What would a confident person who is full of self-love do in this situation?”
Get upset and eat an entire box of doughnuts? Probably not.
Stay in an abusive relationship? Not likely.
Numb out life with alcohol? Guess again.
Starve self? Nope.
Blame others for personal unhappiness? No.
Stay in a dead-end miserable job without even exploring other options? I think not.
Bully others? Not a chance.
Verbally abuse self? (I am such a loser!) Not even close.
Get professional help and treat an addiction? Now- that is more like it.
Stop blaming everyone else and work on improving self? Most likely.
Form relationships with emotionally healthy people? Yes.
Stop and challenge negative self-talk? For sure.
Work on changing self rather than changing others? Yes.
Exercise? Most definitely.
Turn apathy into action? Yep.
View self as a survivor and thriver rather than a life long victim? Absolutely.
There is something to be said for the cliché, FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT. By acting as if we are already where we want to be, we create our own reality. We puncture the shame that binds us.
If you have a habit of sabotaging yourself, you do not have to stay in this self-imposed prison.
Action Tip: Start by educating yourself.
The following books are excellent resources to help you move past the shame and the self-defeating behaviors that hold you back from being the person that you were meant to be.
Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw
I Thought It Was Just Me by Brene Brown
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie
Excellent resources Kristin – thanks. 🙂
Stuart, Thank you. Your blog is another great resource. I plan to also get your book.
Reblogged this on What I see, what I feel, what I'd like to see… and commented:
Thanks, Kristin, for another excellent post. I enjoy your perspective so much…
Thank you, Todd.
You’ve really stepped up in the past month! 😀
You are a terrific coach!
I wrote about this post on my blog. Thank you so much for writing it ~ it is as if you wrote it specifically addressed to me.
I hope it helps! Thank you so much for sharing my post with your readers. Always know you are worthy and you are worth it!
Another excellent post and wonderful resources.
I hope you don’t mind if I reblog your link on my reblog page?
Please feel free to reblog. 🙂 Enjoy your day!
I keep working on the language that little voice uses with me sometimes! Thanks for a great post to keep us moving in the right direction!
It’s funny that five of the blogs that I read, posted similar articles today. Are you guys talking or what? 🙂 Very good direction posted Kristin. Thank you for steering and sharing!
Wow! And we didn’t even talk. 🙂
Another great post, Kristen. Especially timely as people look at the new year and think of new possibilities. Thanks!
You are welcome, Chris. Thanks for commenting!
Great post Kristin, it went right along with what I was posting today so I linked back to your post. Have a great Sunday!
Thank you for the link. I loved your post!
Great Post, Kristin!
Thank you so much, Sloan. Also thanks for sharing it with your readers. Enjoy your Monday!
Reblogged this on fibrohappiness.
Reblogged this on The Musings of Lady Gwendolynn and commented:
For my remembers if you remember my topic “The Humble Brag vs. Bragging Outright” than you might understand how this topic ties in with that. For those who don’t, remember that self-defeating talk I mention where you think you are being humble, but could be putting yourself down? That’s self-defeating pep-talks or a “Back-handed compliment” even. Take a look at this topic today to understand a little more about these things and more.
Thank you for sharing! Enjoy your Monday!
really wonderfully written ………. great motivation ………… great will and courage in these words 🙂
I see Stuart up there – His Book is amazing 🙂
it’s really helped me 🙂
Cat x
Thanks, Cat. I am looking forward to reading Stu’s book! Have a great day!
You Too 🙂
It’s really amazing 🙂 🙂 🙂
Love it! And Love Brene Brown!! Blessings to you!
Brene Brown is great, I agree. Blessings to you!
Kristen, thank you for mentioning my blog. I really appreciate it, I also enjoyed reading your excellent post about self sabotaging. It’s such an important subject, and something we should talk a lot more about. Have a nice day! //Marianne
No problem, Marianne. You have a nice day too!
YES…right on!!!!! thank you for another great post.
Thanks, Barbara!
Great post Kristin! When I graduated college and moved to a city on my own knowing very few people with no job, no prospects, etc…. I had to get in the positive mindset each and every day and attack the world whether I was going to Borders (God I miss Borders) to do some reading/shopping or had a job interview. I used to watch a movie that doesn’t get very high marks or anything for acting but related to the field (finance) I was trying to get into called “Boiler Room”. One of the quotes from the movie was ‘Act as If you are f&cking president of the company’. There were a lot of other ‘Act as if…’ as well that Ben Affleck spewed but prior to job interviews I used to watch that ‘rally’ speech all the time to remind me that at one time that “successful” person across the table was a little, out of work peon like me just begging for a chance.
I miss Borders, too. Always believe in yourself! Never self yourself short! xoxo
Definitely Me. Well needed motivation…Thank you!
Thank you for viewing my blog & your support!
I came back and re-read this again. Amazing how the second time around things sink in a totally different way!
I am so glad that you came back. My blog posts are similar to long affirmations. Meant to be read again and again. Thank you!
Hi Kristin
Thanks for this. There are certain issues that just keep coming back, like they’re on a constant replay loop. I have had a week of dealing with a same old same old and I have done my best to work through it in a positive way. Along the way, I have to say, I HAVE NOT DONE VERY WELL!! In other words, I have been very disappointed in my same old same old reaction.
But I think you are right with the self sabotage thing. I have long felt like an imposter in certain areas of my life. I think there is some psychological explanation for the “IMPOSTER SYNDROME”, just like there is one for the “BAG LADY SYNDROME” which is what I have been suffering from AGAIN!!
This has given me much food for thought. Thanks.
Corinne
Hi Corinne,
I am glad that this gave you food for thought. So you have a pattern that just isn’t working for you. Other questions to ask yourself. Am I rewarded in some way, even if it is a negative reward, for repeating this unwanted reaction? Is it a habit?(In this case, you would need to practice practice practice reacting differently), Is it impulsive? (In this case, it would help to practice practice practice putting a few seconds or minutes in between the event and your reaction- breathe.) Another suggestion is to identify the thoughts and emotion attached to the event that you are reacting to. Sometimes an emotional response is more about our thoughts about an event than the actual event itself. In some situations, using a teflon mind is helpful. Let things slip right off and not attach to you. More to think about. Hope it helps. Warmly, Kristin
Hi Kristin
As you say, more to think about! And immediately I can see that there is some sort of horrible negative reward that I get. Do I want to keep getting it? Probably not! So I am going to work on that one.
Thanks again
Have a lovely weekend
Corinne
Thank you, Todd! Enjoy your weekend. Thank you for the birthday wishes!