The Snowball Effect

Kristin Cuthriel

Radical Acceptance

26 Comments

tara brach

When we judge our feelings as  “bad” or we tell ourselves that we “shouldn’t” feel a certain way, we are essentially telling ourselves that something is wrong with us. This creates shame, and shame is at the root of self-sabotaging behaviors. Our harsh judgment of our emotions snowballs into something much worse.

If we practice radical acceptance, we observe and describe our feelings-free of judgment. We understand that our feelings and our behaviors are independent of one another. Just because we feel a certain way, does not mean that we have to act on those feelings- especially if our actions lead to pain and regret.

Let’s say, for example, that I am feeling depressed. If I say to myself, “Look how good I have it. I shouldn’t feel depressed. What is wrong with me?” I am actually shaming my feelings and making my depression worse. On the other hand, if I practice radical acceptance, I notice that I am feeling depressed without judging it. Rather than shaming myself, I find healthy ways to treat my depression.

Here is another example. Let’s say that I am feeling very angry at a loved one who has always been there for me in the past. Instead of practicing radical acceptance, I beat myself up for feeling angry. I say to myself, “I can’t believe that I feel angry at her after all that she has done for me.” Now- I am not only angry at my loved one, but I am also angry at myself for feeling angry. And anger turned inward often causes depression. I have made things worse.

By practicing radical acceptance, I notice that I am feeling angry without judging it. There is no “should” or “shouldn’t.” It just is. I realize that being angry at the moment does not take away the wonderful things that this person has done for me in the past. It is not all or none. I can love someone and still feel angry. After I accept my feelings, I can decide how I want to behave. I understand that I can be angry without acting in a destructive way. I understand that being angry at the moment does not mean that I will never forgive.

Radical acceptance is about observing things for what they are and leaving the critical judgments behind. When you are already scared, angry, or in pain, the last thing that you need is to beat yourself up for feeling scared, angry, or in pain. Try compassion instead.

Thank you to Todd Lohenry at Wholeheartedness for sharing the above graphic and inspiring this post. Wholeheartedness

Comments

  2. wordsfromanneli says

    Getting angry and acting in anger rarely brings good results. It’s a real learning process to find ways to allow the anger to dissipate before we take the next steps in resolving a situation. If we recognize that we’re angry, that’s a first step. Cooling down and thinking things through would be a good second step, I would think. (That’s the hard part.)

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    • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

      That is the hard part. Anger is not always a bad thing. Sometimes it can be a signal, letting us know that our boundaries are being crossed. Prolonged anger that turns into resentment, displaced anger, and explosive anger are extremely harmful. I like your second step and agree that recognizing our anger is only the first step. Hopefully a first step towards eventually letting it go. Thank you, Anneli. I always enjoy reading your comments.

      Reply

  4. stuartart says

    So true Kristin, we must accept our feelings good and bad. Acknowledge them as being part of us without BEING us. We are human, we are not perfect – but my observation is that most people are kind, generous, loving, compassionate and caring – most of the time. Let’s see the bigger picture that MOST of the time we are great people to be around. When we’re not, we’re not – take time out to fester and wallow and growl, then say ‘enough’ and get back to the party! 🙂

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  7. The Water Bearer says

    This is definitely helpful advice. I have been practicing being present and observing my emotions without letting them fester into extremes. I have found a new sense of calm that I had never experienced before! Great post as usual. Blessings to you!

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  8. coastalmom says

    This is an interesting twist for me. I recently went to counseling for the first time. My mother in law is a Psychologist, I worked with adolescents in a Psychiatric department of a local private hospital during my twenties and was privy to the “professionals” personal life issues and judged the heck out of them. Thinking why should I pay $100+ an hour to have somone as messed up as me tell me what to do. Ahhhh silly me. Due to a crisis in my life, I was either going to have to go to counseling or pretty much lose my marriage… and so I went (begrudgingly) and oh my gosh! How wrong was I? Though it took a lot of work on all of our part… to convince me I was depressed. I was appalled. LOL. I mean, I felt circumstances caused my feelings not anything organic! And yet, whatever it was… regardless of earthquakes destroying our store and finances… etc… I always tried to say… yeah but hey how dare I feel that way when God spared my daughter who asked to wait in my flattened car? Etc… Trying to feel that my loved ones lives were spared when right next door to women were killed! Also, recently, I have two friends who have ALS and I have taken on the attitude of embracing being able to breathe and even run etc.. etc… How can my financial problems even dent what they must feel? But this put things in perspective. I sure wish you were closer! Your peeps are blessed to have you! And we are blessed to get your pearls of wisdom here! (Sorry didn’t mean for this to be my own therapy session!) lol!

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