The Snowball Effect

Kristin Cuthriel

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Removing the Shame Associated With Abuse

April 29, 2013 Kristin 18 Comments

teddy bearRemoving the Shame Associated With Childhood Abuse: Julia walked into my office and sat down on the couch without saying a word. She did not need to say anything for me to know that she was in pain. Her eyes radiated pain.

It was our first appointment together, the one where I spend most of the session asking questions and collecting information so that I can figure out how to best help my clients. But this afternoon the questions would have to wait. We just sat and the tears slowly trickled down her cheeks.

Handing her a box of tissues, I asked her in a gentle voice if she was alright. She said nothing, but shook her head no. We sat for several moments in silence. Her pain filled the room- I could feel it. It was intense. It was thick. She did not need me drilling her with questions. She just needed my presence. She needed someone to sit with her in her pain.

She attempted to speak several times, but her attempts were interrupted by her deep grief. Using a voice not much louder than a whisper, I reassured her that it was alright to take her time. I knew that whatever it was she had to say was extremely difficult for her to talk about. So we sat.

When she was ready she began to tell me her secret. A secret that she had been keeping for thirty years. A secret that she had never disclosed to anyone, not even to her husband. A secret that she explained was eating her from the inside out. A secret that she said was wrecking her marriage and destroying her life.

She spoke about the abuse that she had endured as a young girl and the shame that she had attached to her own victimization. Julia’s intense shame and self-blame had kept her from revealing her secret to anyone.

Through therapy, Julia was able to see that a child is never responsible for their own victimization. She was able to share her secret with her husband who responded with great love and compassion. Julia’s fear of rejection and judgment began to disappear, and she began to see herself as worthy rather than flawed.

Julia’s feelings of worthlessness, shame, and self-blame- feelings that often accompany abuse, were eventually replaced with feelings of self-compassion.

Julia’s ability to discuss her pain and reveal her shame opened the door to healing.

Julia is not alone. Adults who have a history of childhood abuse often carry great amounts of shame. Shame for keeping the secret and shame for being involved in the abuse in the first place. Many times adult survivors of abuse are left feeling worthless and flawed in some way. They often assume that if they reveal their abuse, others will judge them as harshly as they judge themselves. It is for this reason many people say nothing at all.

Unfortunately this does not promote healing. Healing often begins when the abuse is disclosed to a trustworthy person who is able to show empathy and compassion. Then the person who was once victimized can begin to see their worth- their worth that has been there all along.

*If you have suffered from past abuse and continue to suffer today, I encourage you to seek professional counseling to help you on your healing journey. When traumatic events are discussed, trauma can sometimes be re-experienced. For this reason, it is best to work with a trained professional.

*Names and identifying information have been changed to protect the confidentiality of those involved.

Related articles
  • http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/18/brene-brown-shame-guilt-addiction-oprah_n_2966351.html
  • Vulnerability and Shame- Brene Brown (sunshinedreamsandmamathings.wordpress.com)

Health, Overcoming Adversity, Self Help abuse, fear of intimacy, healing, intimacy, overcoming adversity, road to recovery, self-compassion, self-worth, sexual abuse, shame

Comments

  1. stuartart says

    April 29, 2013 at 11:22 am

    A problem shared is a problem halved, my mum used to say. Sounds glib in this context but valid nonetheless. Good post Kristin.

    Reply
    • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

      April 30, 2013 at 1:20 am

      I always like to read your comments, Stuart.

      Reply
  2. grandfathersky says

    April 29, 2013 at 11:47 am

    This is a reminder that needs to be spoken over and over … The ‘controller / abuser’ makes certain the victim remains silent. Psychopaths need to be talked about, their power is our weakness… They use our conscience against us, this must stop, and voices be heard … Thank you!

    Reply
    • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

      April 30, 2013 at 1:21 am

      You are so welcome! Thank you for your comments.

      Reply
  3. Currie Rose says

    April 29, 2013 at 12:38 pm

    Thank you. I appreciate this…. I’m thinking that maybe it’s time to start sharing and owning my secret….

    Reply
    • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

      April 30, 2013 at 1:21 am

      My thoughts are with you!

      Reply
  4. dorothymcdonall says

    April 29, 2013 at 1:00 pm

    Thanks for sharing this. As someone who has felt this terrible pain exactly the way you described I can attest to the fact that it does ease with therapy. I hope that anyone who reads this, who feels the pain and hasn’t yet sought help to release it will do so. It is truly liberating to release the power of the abuser that keeps us feeling victimized. … Be well, Dorothy 🙂

    Reply
    • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

      April 30, 2013 at 1:22 am

      You too, Dorothy. Be well, too. Thank you for sharing.

      Reply
  5. wordsfromanneli says

    April 29, 2013 at 6:14 pm

    The world probably needs many more therapists than we have available. So glad you’re out there helping as many victims as you can.

    Reply
    • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

      April 30, 2013 at 1:23 am

      Thank you, Anneli.

      Reply
  6. Noel Williams www.prhayz.com says

    April 29, 2013 at 10:41 pm

    Wow!

    Reply
  7. Anonymous says

    April 30, 2013 at 12:08 am

    As a mother of a victimized child I know the pain. The pain of my child and the pain of my guilt for not knowing at the time what happened to him. Such pain a child should never know.

    Reply
    • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

      April 30, 2013 at 1:24 am

      I am thinking about you with compassion. You are not alone.

      Reply
  8. Lily Mugford says

    May 6, 2013 at 5:33 pm

    The secret of abuse is a heavy and shameful secret to carry, but there is healing, there is freedom. Letting go of the secret is the beginning.

    Reply
    • Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

      May 6, 2013 at 5:53 pm

      I agree with you, Lily. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and insight. Kristin

      Reply
  9. Kristin Barton Cuthriell says

    May 7, 2013 at 11:01 am

    Lily, Thank you for including my post. I hope that you have a good day!

    Reply

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